Hi Journal,

I keep replaying our conversations during the field visits in my head, trying to recall every single detail. I honestly believe I didn’t say anything wrong. Everything I shared came from what I observed, what I understood, and what I know from experience. I was simply trying to explain the client’s problems and make it clear that our product isn’t at fault here. I wanted to justify things professionally and represent us in the best way possible. But now, knowing she turned my words into something to laugh about… it just hurts. It makes me feel small, almost foolish, like I’ve been stripped of the little credibility I’ve worked so hard to build.

What makes it even harder is that I truly thought we had a good relationship or at least I believed we did. Every time she visits the Maldives, I’ve always been genuinely happy to see her. We laugh, we work well together, and I even make the extra effort to make her feel welcome. I thought we were on the same team. So why say those things behind my back? Is it intentional? Does she really think less of me? Or is she just trying to impress her colleagues by making me seem clueless? I can’t tell, and honestly, not knowing makes it worse.

And you know what’s ironic? If I wanted to, I could share a lot of things about her too  stories, habits, moments where she wasn’t at her best. But I don’t. I’ve always chosen to keep those things to myself out of respect. At least, I used to respect her. Now… I’m questioning that. I just wish she gave me the same courtesy I’ve always given her.

Lately, though, I’ve noticed something else eating at me. Whenever she’s here, I sometimes feel… smaller. Like my efforts are invisible. It’s as if what I’ve been doing all along suddenly doesn’t matter, simply because she can come in and do the exact same thing  and somehow, it looks more “valuable” coming from her. I’ve been brushing it off, telling myself, “This is what they want, just let it go,” but deep down, it still gets to me.

Despite all of this, I’m not angry at her. I’m just… hurt and confused. I’m trying to understand where she’s coming from, why she says and does the things she does. Maybe she doesn’t even realize how much her words affect me. Or maybe she does, and she just doesn’t care. I don’t know yet.

All I know is that this situation has left me questioning where I really stand  not just with her, but maybe even in the bigger picture of this work. It’s a strange place to be in, feeling both proud of what I’ve accomplished and yet undermined by someone I thought was an ally.

Labels: maldives, thoughts, work