Tuesday, March 12, 2024
at the moment
Posted at March 12, 2024
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I'm feeling pretty lost at the
moment. Physically, I'm alright, but mentally, I'm completely drained. The idea
of diving back into studying is looming over me, but I can't seem to find the
motivation or the starting point. It's incredibly frustrating because deep
down, I know I need to get back on track, but there's this overwhelming sense
of hopelessness holding me back.
I want nothing more than to make
progress and get back into the swing of things, but at the same time, I'm
grappling with this intense laziness that's making it hard to even take the
first step. It's like this vicious cycle where I put in effort, but it feels
like it's all for nothing because I keep coming up short. It's disheartening
and makes it even harder to muster up the energy to try again.
I've got a lot on my mind lately,
and seeing some of my friends out there enjoying life, I can't help but feel a twinge
of envy and jealousy. I know they work hard and have their own struggles,
especially since some of them are close to me, but still, I find myself longing
for that kind of happiness and ease. I've even considered trying my luck with
E-Lotto back home, thinking it might be a shot at escaping poverty and securing
a better future for both myself and my mom. Oh well at least I’m hopefuls for
better days hehe
Right now, I'm definitely in a
tough spot, dealing with negativity and challenges, but I'm doing my best to
pull myself together and figure out how to move forward.
Forget the past and the future,
instead I should be in the present. I’m hoping one day all my stars will align for
me
Labels: thoughts
Saturday, March 9, 2024
Back to office
Posted at March 09, 2024
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Now, I'm finally back in the Maldives. After everything that
happened over the past three weeks, returning here doesn't feel any different
from the challenges I've faced in recent days, especially with that lingering
not-so-good feeling. I was hoping for a fresh new start, treating this comeback
as the beginning of a new journey after all the setbacks, emotional turmoil,
and mental exhaustion but not that the case…
As soon as I landed in the Maldives, things got a bit
annoying. At the airport, the staff insisted I fill out the travel declaration
again because apparently, the one I had prepared had expired. It was a bit of a
hassle, but manageable. The real frustration kicked in when another staff
member asked me to join the regular line instead of getting some priority.
Later, at the taxi stand, local folks were quoting sky-high
fares, and to top it off, they preferred dollars over the local currency (MVR).
What really got on my nerves was their pickiness in choosing passengers and
turning down rides that weren't going their way. Dealing with this, which felt
like a scene from Manila, left me seriously irritated.
Dealing with all these issues is seriously getting on my
nerves. So, my housemate, without even asking, decides they want to switch my
bunk bed with their old one. Totally unnecessary. I mean, my bunk bed is way
more practical, especially because I can use the top part for storage, and
let's face it, my room is not exactly spacious. And guess what? They plan to
make this switch right after I come back from my holiday? Seriously, couldn't
they have considered that I might be tired from traveling and not in the mood
to rearrange everything in my room? This guy is beyond inconsiderate. I still
remember how he left me to assemble the bunk bed by myself before, and now he's
expecting me to do it all over again.
Last night, they were busy assembling their bed, blocking
the toilet in the process, so I couldn't even use it. I ended up going to bed
without even having a shower. Super frustrating. They just don't think things
through. I'm trying to keep my cool and let it slide because stressing about it
won't make things any better. It would only make things more complicated. But I
swear, that guy from Bangladesh is seriously pushing my patience to the limit.
Finally, I muster up the courage to tell them I don't want
their bed, and I prefer to keep my bunk bed. The look on the Bangladesh guy's
face was pretty amusing, I could tell he was annoyed that I didn't take their
bed. Dealing with all this—bed assembling and the toilet trouble last
night—it's just adding unnecessary stress to my life.
I've been facing quite a bit of pressure lately with both
the ticking clock and people around me constantly testing my patience. I'm
really putting in the effort to stay cool, but there are times when I just want
to throw in the towel, let my emotions take over, and deal with the aftermath later.
It's just so exhausting.
And then there's this indian guy, Lab in charge, who seems
to have a direct line to my time and energy whenever he feels like it. I'm all
for helping out, but it's gotten to the point where it feels like he's cashing
in on my kindness. I've got my own workload, personal plans, and let's face it,
sometimes I just want to chill and not be bothered. Plus, he's acting like I
have my own bike to zip around this supposedly small island of Maldives. Yeah,
it's tiny, but not walk-everywhere tiny.
The tricky part is, I can't really say much about it. I feel
like I've got to suck it up because this guy works in the hospital, and he's
well aware that I might need his help. It's like he's taking advantage of the
situation, and it's becoming a real struggle to handle it all.
Back at my desk in the office, I can't help but feel a bit
off whenever our sales director is around. He's got this vibe, you know? On one
hand, I appreciate not having to engage in small talk, which I'm not a fan of,
but on the other hand, it makes me feel somewhat isolated and unimportant in
the office. I’m so weird
Feeling a bit bummed, especially considering I had hoped to
come back to the Maldives proudly say I got my USRN license and planning my
next move. Reality check: that's not happening. Instead, I find myself stuck
here, grinding away at work, and gearing up for another round of Nclex exam
prep. Not exactly the post-holiday scenario I had in mind, and it's a bit of a
downer but that’s what it is.
Can’t do anything about it but to stay like this and just go
with the flow Labels: maldives, office
Friday, March 8, 2024
Layover escaped in Singapore
Posted at March 08, 2024
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I'm thrilled to be visiting Singapore again, this time with
the opportunity to spend some leisure hours during my layovers. Although it's a
bit more expensive this time, my company insisted on planning the leave just a
month before my actual departure. I'll make the most of the longer hours during
the layover to do a side trip right.
Despite initial hesitation, I met up with Ate Gigi, and
after a bit of uncertainty, we managed to make amends. I'm happy to see her
doing well, even though there's still a lingering negative vibe. Nevertheless,
Ate Gigi had a significant impact on my life during my time in Singapore, and
it's good to reconnect and can’t help it but to accept her, she will never
change.
I hung out in AMK, enjoying local noodles at a hawker stall,
had lunch at her place, and even squeezed in a nap before heading back to the
airport. The bonus part? Uncle Sweety and Ate Gigi surprised me with an Ampao.
I was shy at first, but it turned out to be a delightful blessing, haha!
It's a great opportunity to reconnect with Ate Gigi, share
some time for conversation and gossip. I can't help but feel empathetic about
the challenges she's facing—lost in this phase of life, filled with pain,
anger, and personal struggles. I've suggested she ease up, return to Manila,
and take a break, but she seems content in Singapore. Despite our differences,
I admire her journey of determination and luck in navigating life there. While
we may not always see eye to eye on choices and lifestyles, I just want her to
find happiness and safety. It seems like she's reached a point in life where
everything is already established, making it challenging for her to change.
Feeling a bit sad as I left. I hugged her, and I could see
the sadness in her eyes. It reminded me of the day I left Singapore for
Maldives three years ago. That's life. Nonetheless, thrilled to have seen her
again.
On my way back to Manila from Maldives, I had an 11-hour
layover in Singapore. Not bad, right? I had the opportunity to stroll around
and meet up with Kuya Melvin. Seeing him again brought me so much joy. Our
shallow conversations, which are a safe space for me, may not always delve into
deeper topics, but from time to time, we get the chance to discuss more
profound matters. Throughout my six years in Singapore, Kuya Melvin has been
one of the people who made my life much easier—a good and reliable friend.
Spending time with him during this layover was a great catch for me.
Guess what? He just snagged a suite at Marina Bay Sands—so
fancy, right? LOL. That's what I love about him, he knows how to enjoy his
vices to score a free hotel stay, and every now and then, a little casino
action. He's not a big gambler, just looking to have a good time, but I always
remind him to take it easy. Anyway, that stay at Marina Bay Sands was
incredibly luxurious, and I was all for it. It got me daydreaming about being
seriously wealthy, you know? Staying in places like that, shopping, getting
whatever you want... That fantasy keeps popping up. Sometimes I can't help but
wonder why I feel like I'm on a tight budget.
Hahaha, honestly, staying in a hotel like that and enjoying
life feels amazing. I wish my mom could experience it too, and I dream of being
able to spend time and money on her without a second thought. We strolled
around Marina Bay Sands Mall, revisiting familiar places. Singapore holds a
significant place in my life, and if given the chance to live there again, I'd
seize it. Every time I set foot in Singapore, there's an urge inside me to return
and work in that city.
Do I regret choosing Maldives over Singapore? I don't know,
maybe yes or maybe no. Maldives isn't a bad country at all, and I have fond
memories in both places. Yet, Singapore feels more like home to me, with its
larger size and openness to anything.
Well, I suppose I've been feeling sentimental lately.
Failing the exam, dealing with family issues, and the impending return to
Maldives have made this moment a bit sadder than usual. Revisiting places,
encountering familiar faces, and reconnecting with past memories is emotionally
challenging, yet strangely fulfilling at the same time. It's a weird mix of
emotions. Labels: memories, Singapore
Wednesday, March 6, 2024
Sad headspace
Posted at March 06, 2024
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Right after getting the results, I was still stuck in that
frustrating and sad headspace when I got home. Now, there's this whole bunch of
issues hitting me – family stuff, our living situation, housing matters – it's
like a pile of problems on my shoulders that I need to figure out. And
honestly, it's making me feel pretty alone in all of this. The part that hurts
the most? My brother. I had hoped he'd be my support, helping me lift our
family up, but he's just turning out to be a big letdown.
To be fair, I consider myself fortunate to have siblings
who've always been respectful towards me. While there haven't been any major
issues caused by them, it's a reality check that no family is perfect,
including mine. We all have our share of shortcomings, and that's perfectly
okay.
I must admit, there's a bit of disappointment when it comes
to my brother. Maybe I set my expectations too high for him. I've been rooting
for him, believing that as the man in the family, he would take charge,
especially since I'm miles away. Unfortunately, that hasn't been the case. He's
let me down as his elder, contrary to the faith I had in him. All I've ever
wanted for our lives is success and an improvement in our life status after
completing our education. Or at least, that's what I thought.
The source of my frustration came from the mistaken belief
that he had already finished his academic journey and obtained a diploma. It
turns out, he didn't complete his on-the-job training on the ship, preventing
him from getting the diploma, and that's the saddest part.
During our conversation, he was all nonchalant, saying he
doesn't need the diploma and trying to convince me it's no big deal because his
course doesn't lead to much in other careers. The whole conversation got confusing,
he was gaslighting me and making me feel like I didn't get it.
All I was trying to convey was the importance of having the
diploma. I'm not forcing him to pursue a specific industry. I'm just
emphasizing that having a degree opens up various possibilities. I'd be more
than happy for him to follow any path he wants, as long as he holds that
degree. Unfortunately, he's not getting it.
This situation has left me upset and saddened as his
brother. I only want the best for him. Does he think being an undergrad will
make his life easier? He's too young to realize that having a diploma is
crucial for securing a good job. Even those who graduated and possess diplomas
face challenges in the job market, let alone those without one.
When he mentioned choosing his course to be considerate
about expenses, it felt like a way of gaslighting my frustration. As far as I
know, no one forced him into that course, and he doesn't have a valid reason to
blame any of us. It was his choice, and he needs to take responsibility for it.
He's kinda self-centered, thinking he's the big shot head of
the family. But truth be told, he doesn't give a hoot about our mom. All he did
was slap together this little room for himself at home, without realizing our
place is already as cramped as it gets. It never occurred to him that it made
the rest of us sharing the same roof uncomfortable in our limited space back
home. He's just plain selfish. I can't help but feel sorry for Mom and Tin,
they're trying to squeeze into that tiny space to sleep and struggling to find
a spot to rest. Witnessing them in this situation makes me realize how our life
has ended up like this.
How did my brother turn out to be so thoughtless? I can't
stand the words that come out of his mouth when he talks to his sisters. I hope
our conversation made a difference since I had the chance to talk to him before
I left. Labels: Brother, family
Thursday, February 29, 2024
Who's got my back?
Posted at February 29, 2024
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I'm just so darn lucky to have friends like Dors and Mary.
We haven't had tons of time to make epic memories together in recent years, but
I can feel deep down how much they mean to me. Life's a bit more bearable when
you've got pals who stick with you through thick and thin, you know? They've
saved me in ways they probably don't even realize, and I can't thank my stars
enough for having them in my life. Here's hoping our friendship lasts forever,
even if our lives take different paths and lives we may lead.
Now, Mary's a gem of a friend. Her support and belief in me
are like gold – absolutely priceless. I know I can count on her, and you bet
I've got her back too. Through the toughest of battles, she's my ray of hope. I
can shoot her a call, vent all my troubles, and spill my guts without worrying
about being judged. And when the blues hit or I'm feeling low on motivation, I
know she's there, cheering me on with prayers that really hit home.
Dors, too, is a precious friend. Her presence holds great
significance for me, and I am grateful to know I can depend on her, much like
with Mary. While our communication may not be constant, and we don't often
intrude on each other's lives, she is a friend I can turn to whenever needed.
It's not always about the frequency of communication, but the personal
connection we share, and I am confident that Dors and I possess that enduring
connection. Now, I've got other friends on the side, and Vans is a
constant reminder that unexpected friendships can be pretty awesome too. She's
been a reliable source of relief for me. Venting out and discussing the
struggles I've been facing here in the Maldives is like a sweet escape with
her. Vans might be a bit unconventional in her life decisions, and sure, we
might not see eye to eye on everything, but that's what makes her a real,
vulnerable human being. She needs someone like me to remind her of what I think
is right. I'm not perfect, but I want the best for her, as any friend should.
For me, Vans might not be perfect, but she means a lot to
me. I hope our friendship stands the test of time. Sure, there are those
moments when I feel a bit frustrated, like when she forgets about the money she
owes me. But hey, communication is key. I should just ask her about it, and
there's nothing to be scared of. Getting to know the person beyond those
unwanted thoughts is way better than jumping to conclusions and making things
complicated and that’s the greatest lesson for me.
And then there's Athena, my distant soulmate. I believe
friendships can have their own soulmates too, right? We've been best friends
for ages, and it's one of the most incredible things in my life. Recently, our
deeper conversations have made me realize that we're both growing older. The
depth of setbacks we've faced in our lives goes beyond what we could have
imagined. It's definitely not the smoothest journey, but it's also not as rough
as what some people have experienced but lately it bonded us in most matured
way. She's changed a lot from the person I knew a few years ago. Life threw
some challenges her way, and it's been eye-opening to see just how strong she
is. I'll admit, I used to misjudge her but definitely rooting for her since day
1. You know, when you're close to someone, doubts can pop up, and I had my fair
share about her. But seeing Athena tackle life head-on, it made me realize
people can surprise you, just like she did. Sure, I know her, but there's
always more to someone than meets the eye. Her personal growth, unfolding right
under my nose, is something I find truly admirable and makes me so proud of
her.
These people, They're a huge part of my life. You know, I've
had my fair share of friends who just kind of faded away. It's a bit of a
bummer how someone you used to know can just poof, disappear. Sad, but hey,
that's the real deal, right? People come and go. But right now, I'm just really
thankful for all the memories I've made with these awesome folks. Labels: friends, friendships
Saturday, February 24, 2024
Setbacks, I failed my NCLEX
Posted at February 24, 2024
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Dear Journal,
It has been quite some time since I last poured out my
thoughts. I'm back to spill the beans on what life's been tossing my way lately.
I find myself in the midst of reflection, contemplating recent setbacks.
Unfortunately, I faced failure in my second attempt at the NCLEX. The emotions
are a mix this time around.
I can confidently say I was well-prepared for the exam. my
mind was focused, even though I acknowledge I still have room for improvement
in my study habits. But I gave my best effort this time, and while I hoped for
success, it seems that this wasn't my moment. It still stings when the time I
see that dreaded "fail." The moment feels surreal, and part of me is
in denial, thinking maybe there's been a mistake. I keep reassuring myself that
I must have passed. it can't be true.
I caught myself repeatedly refreshing the message,
desperately wishing that somehow the outcome would change. A few moments ago,
reality sank in – I failed the darn exam. While sadness envelops me, there's a
part of me reassuring that I'll be okay.
I had mentally prepped myself for this scenario, letting go
and trusting in a higher power. Even though I'm still clinging to the hope of
passing, deep down, I recognize it's ultimately in God's hands, and I trust His
grace.
Feeling a bit sorry for those who were cheering me on,
though. I can't help but think I let them down, just like I fell short on the
exam.
When I looked into Dor's eyes, I could feel her genuine
sympathy. She didn't know what to say, and it was written all over her face.
Then, there was Mary, looking at me with concern and sadness. She's been my
biggest supporter since day one, and now, I've disappointed her again. Seeing
them sad for me just hits differently, you know? It's like there's this lump in
my throat, and I can't even explain the mix of emotions swirling inside me. It's
somewhat awkward being with Mary and Dors during those moments. There's a sense
of disconnection and melancholy, and I can feel their concern for me. However,
a part of me is genuinely happy that I chose to share that moment with them. My
personal struggles have been intensely private, and navigating this internal
war on my own is challenging. While confiding in those who are aware of it can
be tough, there's a certain comfort in the reduced external pressure.
People suggest that I should open up to my family so they
can support me through prayer. However, I fear that sharing this burden with
them would only intensify the pressure on me, and it might not be beneficial in
the long run.
As Mary and I stood waiting on the MRT platform, I could
feel the emotions building up. I was on the edge of tears, and I could see that
Mary was too. Thank goodness I held it together, but It's not that I wanted to
cry over failing the exam it was more about seeing her on the verge of tears
because of me that made me want to let it all out too.
Well, that's life. Not all prayers are answered as quickly
as we'd like, but I believe God has better plans in store for me.
I’m just really grateful that I have the means now to do pay
the exam, it’s a bit of sacrifices financially but I guess I’m so blessed to
have the money for this exam. I really wanted to go US not only for me but for
my Mother. She deserved a better life.
Honestly, I'm exhausted from endless studying, and
contemplating what the future holds adds to my weariness. Labels: Exam, Journal, NCLEX
Monday, January 22, 2024
Baa Atoll
Posted at January 22, 2024
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I've been exploring the Baa Atoll for about a week now,
going from Eydhafushi to Thuladhoo, then Goidhoo, back to Eydhafushi, followed
by Dharavandhoo, and finally Kendhoo. The constant island-hopping can be a bit
tiring, but being so close to nature and traveling solo adds a beautiful touch
to the experience. There's something liberating about moving around without the
usual considerations that come with having a travel buddy.
In the midst of my island adventures, I've come across a
variety of people. One person in Eydhafushi, however, really stood out – the
lab in charge. Let me tell you, his vibes are quite off, and he's a tough nut
to crack. He's got that typical 'full of himself' attitude, and trying to have
an open conversation with him feels like hitting a brick wall. And guess what?
He's Indian, fitting the stereotypical image of someone hard to please. His
closed-mindedness makes everything unnecessarily complicated.
It's amusing, in a frustrating way, to meet someone so set
in their ways, living in their own little bubble. This guy firmly believes what
he wants to believe, no matter how much sense you try to talk into him. He's
got this thing against safety needles, insisting they cause more pain to
patients than regular syringes, especially the ones from Sarstedt. I tried
explaining the nuances of pain perception and how safety needles can be handled
properly to minimize discomfort, but it's like talking to a wall. He just won't
budge. What's even funnier is that he says he doesn't hate safety needles; he
just doesn't like them. Yeah, right.
Luckily, our encounter was brief, and I'm crossing my
fingers that our paths won't cross again. Amidst such encounters, there are
also those who make the journey enjoyable – the enthusiastic and easygoing
ones. I'm thankful for those who've made my island-hopping life much smoother,
unlike the handful who seem to be more of a puzzle than a pleasure. Labels: life, maldives, work
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About
GILBERT S.P
I'm on a quest to explore the intricate tapestry of life, both within and beyond myself
Location: Maldives
My world of ramblings as well as my life journal.
I'm not perfect, so please be patient with me
count on you :)
Dialy Ramblings
Beyond the realm of my own experiences, I'm an eager explorer of the world through my eyes
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