Dear Journal,

It has been quite some time since I last poured out my thoughts. I'm back to spill the beans on what life's been tossing my way lately. I find myself in the midst of reflection, contemplating recent setbacks. Unfortunately, I faced failure in my second attempt at the NCLEX. The emotions are a mix this time around.

I can confidently say I was well-prepared for the exam. my mind was focused, even though I acknowledge I still have room for improvement in my study habits. But I gave my best effort this time, and while I hoped for success, it seems that this wasn't my moment. It still stings when the time I see that dreaded "fail." The moment feels surreal, and part of me is in denial, thinking maybe there's been a mistake. I keep reassuring myself that I must have passed. it can't be true.

I caught myself repeatedly refreshing the message, desperately wishing that somehow the outcome would change. A few moments ago, reality sank in – I failed the darn exam. While sadness envelops me, there's a part of me reassuring that I'll be okay.

I had mentally prepped myself for this scenario, letting go and trusting in a higher power. Even though I'm still clinging to the hope of passing, deep down, I recognize it's ultimately in God's hands, and I trust His grace.

Feeling a bit sorry for those who were cheering me on, though. I can't help but think I let them down, just like I fell short on the exam.

When I looked into Dor's eyes, I could feel her genuine sympathy. She didn't know what to say, and it was written all over her face. Then, there was Mary, looking at me with concern and sadness. She's been my biggest supporter since day one, and now, I've disappointed her again. Seeing them sad for me just hits differently, you know? It's like there's this lump in my throat, and I can't even explain the mix of emotions swirling inside me. It's somewhat awkward being with Mary and Dors during those moments. There's a sense of disconnection and melancholy, and I can feel their concern for me. However, a part of me is genuinely happy that I chose to share that moment with them. My personal struggles have been intensely private, and navigating this internal war on my own is challenging. While confiding in those who are aware of it can be tough, there's a certain comfort in the reduced external pressure.

People suggest that I should open up to my family so they can support me through prayer. However, I fear that sharing this burden with them would only intensify the pressure on me, and it might not be beneficial in the long run.

As Mary and I stood waiting on the MRT platform, I could feel the emotions building up. I was on the edge of tears, and I could see that Mary was too. Thank goodness I held it together, but It's not that I wanted to cry over failing the exam it was more about seeing her on the verge of tears because of me that made me want to let it all out too.

Well, that's life. Not all prayers are answered as quickly as we'd like, but I believe God has better plans in store for me.

I’m just really grateful that I have the means now to do pay the exam, it’s a bit of sacrifices financially but I guess I’m so blessed to have the money for this exam. I really wanted to go US not only for me but for my Mother. She deserved a better life.

Honestly, I'm exhausted from endless studying, and contemplating what the future holds adds to my weariness.

Labels: Exam, Journal, NCLEX