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Monday, March 25, 2024

3am thoughts - Feeling loss again Posted at March 25, 2024 0 comments (+)

I'm feeling incredibly lost right now.

The thought of retaking the exam is making me increasingly anxious. this failure has really taken a toll on my mental well-being. Instead of focusing on my studies like I should be, I find myself procrastinating in my room, indulging in distractions like watching porn, K-dramas, and scrolling through social media, wasting precious time.

Just a moment ago, I attempted to start studying by watching some videos from my online review center, but I was immediately overwhelmed with fear and anxiety, gripping my chest tightly. Generally, I try not to dwell on my past failure, but sometimes these feelings come rushing back, leaving me feeling utterly helpless.

I feel like I want to cry, but the tears won't come. It's like something is constricting inside me, begging to be released. I'm terrified and feeling completely powerless.

I'm holding up, but it's more of a superficial "okay." There are moments like these when all the thoughts and emotions I've been suppressing come rushing back, overwhelming me with a whirlwind of feelings I've been trying to avoid. It's like an inevitable part of being human – we all have to confront these emotions eventually, and there's no escaping it.

I just want to let it all out and cry.

Labels: feelings, thoughts

Sunday, May 16, 2021

Note To Myself Posted at May 16, 2021 0 comments (+)

Setting goals can indeed be quite intimidating because we're uncertain about the outcomes. It can be draining and fill us with anxiety when striving to achieve these dreams or whatever we choose to call them.

One valuable lesson I've picked up from various blogs and self-help books is that we can be dreamers and goal-getters without overwhelming ourselves. We can enhance our productivity without getting stuck in a constant loop of thinking about life and these so-called goals. The process of life often leaves us feeling vulnerable as we fixate on the end result, which, in the end, may not be worth it.

Here are a few things I've learned: Achieving our dreams doesn't have to be a constant struggle, as long as we remain aware of the present moment in our lives. Worrying about the future doesn't make a significant difference in the ultimate outcome, but it can make our lives miserable and prevent us from truly enjoying life.

As Dale Carnegie wisely said, "Life is too short to be little."

When faced with tough decisions, we should do what we can and, if we can't, let go and move forward, calmly considering the next step. No one can predict the future, so there's no use in stressing out.

Life doesn't always go smoothly; it's meant to be challenging, so be prepared.

Remember, the end goal isn't the sole reason we strive every day. We need to find joy even when things get tough. It won't always end in happiness; there may be disappointments, but we must accept and anticipate that these things will happen. Let's allow ourselves to enjoy even the moments of struggle.

I understand it's not easy; I've found myself in the darkest depths of my being too. I've had to reassess my values and my definition of happiness. I've discovered that staying grounded and maintaining a strong faith really helps me keep my sanity intact. Meditation and clearing my mind have been effective ways to stop myself from worrying and constantly reminding myself that my mind is in control, not my emotions.

It might sound cliché, but talking to myself and calming my trust in my faith has been a source of strength.

Labels: feelings, learning, life

Saturday, May 15, 2021

core Posted at May 15, 2021 0 comments (+)

my heart is so fragile

I can grasp my own core

and keep it within me

Labels: feelings, maldives, poem

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Alter Ego - don't waste your time on a needless anger Posted at April 15, 2015 3 comments (+)

This is my alter ego and actually I want to be bad as them. About my Facebook post that “I don’t hate people who hate me" well that's a lie - I want to hate them as they hate me! I'm just a human capable to feel bad and getting hurt. Social media is a part of yourself that you want to show to an entire world. A big lie that you want to portray on another side of the world. Social media is full of story and some of the stories aren't even true or half way of lie. But, of course, there still half of people out there are not even bother to tell their story, feelings, heartbreaks, thoughts, problems and their lives. But for me, what will you get it being a storyteller of your own story, especially if that story is not good story at all - people tend to judge you even not knowing you well, they sees you as a pathetic somebody who's seeking for attention. They even talking about you behind your back because you give them rights to do it. I'm sure most of us (including me) did this, having a hot topic about your Facebook friend, real friend or colleagues or a family when we see his/her rant on Facebook, we can't help it but to say what's our point of view about the message that he/ she posted online. I'm avoiding this kind of judgement or better yet if they talking about me it's because they see that I'm happy and seems everything was fine. I don't want them to talk me behind my back like I'm an a loser and mostly I don't want to know them that I been experiencing a bad life or being stuck on my own issue. Sometimes life is being tough for me and reality, I have this issue that makes me sad sometimes, not everyone is capable to understand but you know what, no one want to be treated like a shit and my defence mechanism is to act happy. I'm happy somehow but still, there's a time that I have a bad day and people who make me feel that I'm not enough. As much as I want to shout it loud because I'm hurt so badly. Want to hate them as much as they hate me but I can't :(

Maybe a few people like me feels the same way I feel or do this kind of shit. I want to show them that I'm okay nor I feel that I'm satisfied with life, that I'm strong enough to face everything, things or someone has a capacity to hurt me badly. I'm not a bulletproof to don't feel this nonsense stuff. But you know what?! This "nonsense" makes me weak and even loss myself confident. Happiness is what we’re looking for. Achieved it and feel it, maybe things will turn different when we have this happiness.

I have a friend here. She's older than us and I treat her like a family. We had a lot of good times together with my other friend. She's helping us, give us food, company, confidante, money, and a figure of a mom. I know her for a couple of months and I can say that she's a good person because she treated us like his own child and a good mother to her own child and she kept telling me that she can share whatever she have. I have a good feelings for her, we joke around and I share some of my dilemma to her and also her, she tells me her thoughts and views about other people and I keep it because I'm also like her, sometimes I talked about another people or a friend of mine, not to make story or even make that person bad because my own issue about him/her. But because I want to share my feelings and ask for advice from her. I'm not perfect not to feel bad that's why I need someone who I can talk to.

But suddenly she changed?! One time, over the phone conversation she drops a joke about me. Yes? Somehow I felt bad because a few days ago, she keeps telling about this thing and make me believe that she's not even believing it and she respect me the way how I respect her. This joke is overrated for me - actually this means nothing really! - (about being gay - I don't know where in earth they think that I am? Because I'm not) anyway after the joke, I say " ate Hindi naman ganoon yun eh" and I keep depending myself and a nice way actually the whole time I'm laughing and not even feel bad that moment because I know her, she used to joke around. But suddenly she says "you're still keep talking huh?!" And I stop talking and she start teasing me again and she drops the call. All I know were okay and the following day I tried to call her but she didn't answer. After I got home, my friend ask me what happened to us because ate Gigi is mad at me because I did something to her? Actually I don't even know what my fault was. I don’t know why she's doing this to me? I tried to call her after a week to clear things between us. She keeps talking that I lied to her. And I ask her what that was, don't know what she's talking about because I don't have any idea about it and she drop the call.

Sometimes I ask myself if I deserve this. Because I've been a good friend to her. As much as possible I've been honest with her. If I lied I'm sure that's a good lie. Unconsciously I lied somehow because it for the better. I never ask her about honestly because I know she lied also, in so many ways she tried to lie and I understand it as long as her personal life I don't want to be detailed about it because she needs privacy that's why she lied. But me? I don't even remember the time I lied to her. I'm sure that I'm not guilty.

I'm attached to her, I thought we're a friend - I know her. I know behind my back she's talking about me with Dennis. The same thing she did to Dennis before and I'm guilty because we did it together, but me I'm just trying to release my bad feelings for him before but it doesn't me that I hate him. Is It that normal right? To feel bad about those people around you if they hurt you unconsciously and Dennis did it before and that time I was looking for someone who I can tell it. Since we're been together from the start, I'm badly hurt when Dennis prioritised another people, but still I'm matured enough to overcome it and there were things that should be kept on ourselves no need for confrontation and beside we're still friends. But Ate Gigi, there's a time that I feel that she want us to fight. She's keep telling me about what Dennis told to her and teasing me to speak out, but I chose to be matured and let it go, I know Dennis, maybe unconsciously he did it and I believe that he doesn't mean it.

After all, I didn't say anything about her to Dennis because I want to remain what we have. Now things change?! She's not even talking to me like I'm the one guilty and it makes me sad because I really don't know what's going on with us. She hates me and I don't want to hate her but because she keeps doing things that make me stupid like calling Dennis beside me and not even asking to talk to me, now I start to feel bad for her. I know anger is not a good choice but how come, I really feel bad and hurt. and I tried to understand her.

Sometimes being attached to someone is not a good choice. Days come that you might feel that you were cheated, betrayed, broken, and left behind. Now a days, great friendship is hard to find. And if you find one somewhere you don't know, well you are lucky enough to have it - friendship is not about age gap, status, gender and how rich you are, it’s about communication, understanding, acceptance and unconditional love. And to this generation people like me is now afraid to invest any emotion to stranger but I'm still hoping to meet other people and make a friend because that's me, no matter what happened I will be glad to get a chance to know other. I'm a type of person that careless, kind, understanding, honest, and as much as possible I want to share my life with them.

Another story, I felt bullied in our own company. And it started with one staff there. She's Chinese local Singaporean. From the start she makes me feel that I'm different from the two other guys, one of them is Dennis. I didn't anything to hate me and there was no reason to bully other people. So many times that she makes me feel stupid, she let the other two guy to go early and let me go until the end of shift, that's bullshit! I want to tear her up and beat her until she can't able to walk. Favouritism or being flirt is not appropriate to any institutions. It plays of being one sided and not fair to everybody, I am speaking right now because I'm bullied and I hate her. This seems be superficial but if you were in my position, I'm sure you would also feel what I feel right now. I’m kind of person that can easy to get along, but sometimes I'm not in mood to socialize, I rather to do my thing than to talk. I don’t know, lately I felt that everybody around me is fake. I don't get the point why I felt this way, since I'm being real to anyone, sometimes it’s better to pretend, but that's not me.

Anyway, that's their problem at all. After all, I used to it to be like this. There are still people out there that will judge me, no matter how real I am, no matter how good I am and by the end of the day their own opinion about me will matter and so am I! About the post on Facebook that “don’t waste time for a needless anger" this is fit for me. I write this rant to express my feelings, still, this medium is also a social media but not like in Facebook, everyone there know me (at least my name) here I can express my thoughts to someone who doesn't even know me. Seriously! I hate people who hate me for the time being. After that, I know how to move on. Hahaha I'm still human, capable of anything. But I tried to appreciate goodness to everyone.

Labels: anger management, bully, feelings, friend, hates, life, ofw, rant, Singapore

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Unwanted feelings Posted at April 01, 2015 1 comments (+)

How funny it was when I've got the news. Suddenly I felt unusual and I know that was not right. My two different friends are now engaged. I knew them for a long time and they are good friend of mine. But what I feel when I got the news is somehow strange. I feel envious and asking why them? Because I know there is a good life ahead for them after they got married.

I want to defend myself of course. I knew them before and they deserved this kind of milestone. Carene and I are friends since high school and I believe until now :) we were just friends with something else. I've mentioned her on some of my post before. I don't denied that she was special before although that something between us is now just an untold story and I don't regret it. Because when things happen it’s really meant for you. And if does not maybe something big would be waiting for you. Now something really meant for carene is now happening. She's now engaged for her fiancé from London. As far as I know they're been together for a year. And a month ago she posted some photos on Facebook about the intimate proposal of her boyfriend.

The unwanted feelings was there. And I can't figure out what it was. Jealousy? I'm sure no because what she had now or what states she feels, I am also into it and I would rather to feel happy for her because I know that she's been through a lot of relationships finding a right guy. Seeing her happy, contented and finally settling down with someone she truly in love with, who am I not to be happy. I know deep inside from the bottom of my heart I would say that I am happy for her.

We had a short conversation after she posted the ring. And it means a lot to me because that way I really feel that she's still paying a courtesy to a friend like me and I like the attitude. And I realized that I'm still human capable to feel bad and resilient to make it up. Not too late to feel happy for others and somehow you would feel the real happiness and acceptance. This is not just from the mouth but it comes out from within. I don't know how to explain it well.

Mia is the other woman that felt different too. She's my best friend and my confidant. In some points in our life I know she felt the same way as I did. Comes to the point where we promised that after we reach a certain age if we're still single, we're accepting each other to be couple. It sounds cliché and childish but it was really means a lot for me. And some part of my life I hold that promise and live with it. Jealous? I'm afraid that I am.

I'm selfish in my own way. This isn't right so what can I do? Self-pity? Laid my back and roll like a baby, put my knee on my chest try to make a fatal position and cry all night. If I had a chance I will do it. But sometimes being in this kind of situation isn't helping me instead it puts me down the grave.

I haven't talking her for weeks and maybe for year because I can't do it. The problem is there's nothing to make me feel this way because she's done nothing. I myself choose it and this is my fault. She's a good friend. A very liable and trustworthy a kind of friend and I missed her. I want to turn the time back when we were still happy with our other friends. But now there's a gap and even before there's a fine gap between us when she started to annoyed me because of a nonsense joke but for me it's a big deal because it came to a dear friend. No one else could do it but a friend. This is been resolved and the issue now is all my accountability because this just me.

I denied it When the time she asked me about this situation and the awkwardness between us. Suddenly I stopped talking her and even sending msg. Because all i want is to remain what we have before. Don't want to raise this up and have some long-time of dramas. Beside i just want space and time to find peace of mind. And that's all I need.

Actually I'm truly happy about mia! She deserved it as much as I deserve also. She's been longing for a perfect guy for her whole life and sadly I am not that kind of guy. She's been through a painful heart break before and i saw that bitterness around her smile. Maybe I don’t know what she's planning for her future and I'm hoping that she will find the happiness that what she was looking for. She knew that no matter what we were still be good friend. And soon I will be okay! :)

Besides being jealously. I also felt envious and I know that isn't even right to feel. But my heart still feel that way. And I couldn't stand to it. I've prayed every night that Gods will unleash that sin. But the facts that everyone seems to be happy and found their real happiness. I'm still here struggling about everything. this is a my long time agony. but I'm stronger than before and I tell you that I am now better that before.

To this kind of life. All I'm asking is peace of mind. Although there's always a hard time. I know and I believe it will pay off soon. Faith and my fate will be in Gods will.

Labels: feelings, friends, love, move on, notes