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Wednesday, April 15, 2026

my life Posted at April 15, 2026 0 comments (+)

Hi there,

I haven’t really written down my thoughts since the year began. 2026 has been… something else, not just for me but for a lot of people, I think. There’s so much going on in the world, and at the same time, so much happening in my own life. Lately, I just haven’t had the energy or even the desire to sit down and process everything. I feel lazy sometimes, but honestly, it’s more like I’m just not in the right headspace to do anything at all.

Right now, my life feels like a mix of so many emotions that I can’t even properly name or sort out. It’s overwhelming. I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel or how I’m supposed to react most days. But if there’s one thing I’m sure of, it’s this constant feeling of frustration and disappointment especially when it comes to my family.

It’s hard to admit, but it feels like I failed, and in some way, we all failed as a family. Even writing that down makes me cringe. Thinking about it too much just makes it worse, but it’s the truth I keep coming back to. As the eldest, I carry this weight, and one of the things that hurts me the most is my brother.

I’ve already expressed how disappointed I am, but the feeling doesn’t go away. I don’t understand how he became the person he is now, the way he thinks, the way he talks, and how he treats everyone at home. It feels like he lacks empathy, understanding, and even basic respect. Seeing how he treats our siblings, how he treats me… it really gets to me. It’s painful and honestly exhausting.

I keep asking myself what went wrong, what’s going on in his mind, and why he sees things the way he does. Every argument, every conversation just ends up reinforcing this feeling that he sees himself as the victim in all of this family drama. And I don’t understand that at all. He’s in a position where he doesn’t have the same responsibilities as the rest of us, he’s free to focus on himself, yet he still feels alone.

That’s the part that confuses me the most. How can someone feel so alone when they’re not actually alone? When there are people around who still care, who are still trying?

And I feel like he’s become overly insensitive to our situation. Our house isn’t exactly an ideal place to live in. it’s small, cluttered, and honestly, there’s barely any space to properly rest. Even when I came back home from overseas, I struggled to adjust, but I tried to understand because… what else can I really do?

But him, it’s like he just does whatever he wants without thinking about anyone else. He decided to create his own small room for himself, carving out space as if he’s the only one who needs it, while everyone else is still struggling. What hurts me the most is seeing my sister, she’s been dealing with such a terrible sleeping situation, yet it feels like she’s the one being overlooked.

And then there’s my mom. The way she treats him compared to my sister and even to me it’s hard not to notice the difference. It feels unfair. It feels like no matter what I do, even if I’m the one trying to provide and hold things together, I don’t really have a voice in that house. Like my words don’t carry any weight. No one really listens. Sometimes it feels like my mom chooses not to see what’s happening, like she’s just… tone-deaf to it all.

And I hate to admit it, but I’ve been feeling envious. I wish I had a better place to come home to, my own space, my own house, somewhere I can just breathe and feel at peace. But what can I do when I don’t have the means yet? That thought alone is frustrating. It makes me question myself, makes me feel like maybe I’m not capable of achieving the things that some of my peers already have.

And that feeling… it just sits with me.

Imagine this I’ve been working overseas for nearly 13 years now. And yes, my life has definitely changed for the better compared to before. I’ve grown, I’ve experienced things I never thought I would, and I’ve been able to provide in ways I once couldn’t.

But at the same time, there are parts of my life that haven’t changed at all. And that’s the part that feels so strange to me.

At this point in my life, all I really want is something better, something more stable, more peaceful. I’ve been thinking, planning, hoping that eventually I’ll get there. I understand that life isn’t the same for everyone, and we all move at different paces. Not everyone’s story turns out the same way, just like mine didn’t.

But I can’t help feeling that it’s unfair sometimes especially when it comes to my family.

That feeling just keeps growing. It’s like no matter how much I’ve sacrificed, how many years I’ve spent away, how much effort I’ve put in… it still doesn’t feel like it’s enough. And maybe what hurts the most is that people don’t even try to see it from my perspective. They don’t see the weight of it, the things I had to give up, or the reasons behind everything I do.

It’s exhausting, carrying all of that and still feeling unseen.

And I think that’s what really gets to me not just the situation itself, but the feeling that everything I’ve done is somehow invisible.

I have so many things I want to say so much frustration built up inside me. But at the same time, I don’t always want to think about it too much. Still, my mind keeps going back to these, same thoughts and situations, over and over again, and it just makes me feel sad.

Social media doesn’t help either. If anything, it makes everything feel worse. I end up comparing, overthinking, and feeling even more down. I know I shouldn’t let it affect me like that, and part of me tries not to but even when my heart wants to ignore it, my mind just won’t stop going there.

And that’s the exhausting part… not being able to turn it off.

Labels: family, life, ofw, thoughts

Sunday, January 29, 2017

God was taking for granted Posted at January 29, 2017 0 comments (+)

Time has come to the point that I need to let go. It's been almost 3 months giving my care to this random old man. I've felt so sad, sorry and happy for him. He was a very nice man, full of happiness and positivity in life. Life could be better for him if his family was united and whole. I didn't say that his life was miserable in fact Uncle was very lucky to reach his age now at 88 this year.

It just that, his family was divided with anger, jealousy and a deeper scar from the past. Uncle and auntie had a two children. According to auntie they were very happy before, a simple family of 4, auntie was a teacher and Uncle had a good position in technical world in media and considering as a government employee.

My experience with this case was rollercoaster and it challenged my faith, understanding and my personal emotion to deal with those people involved. Uncle had a main caregiver and that's his Daughter Rose Marie,She's around 50's, not married and she's been a full time caregiver since last year if I remembered right. I described her as a dedicated and a very involved person when it comes to uncle's health. A religious woman with a strong faith to God and I admired her because of that. But there are some Instances that confused me about her attitude. First, she was very nice, vocal, and full of wisdom woman and she treats me well. In fact I like her although she's very talkative and she kept telling the same story all over again (but that's fine to me so I can practice my English hahaha)

It just happened that last November/December 2016, I raised my concerned to my managers about my Budget that was being stretched out the whole months. We went outside almost every day aside from my patient's original schedules. Then when finally came to the point that my concern was being raised to her, I've been caught up in the middle. I just don't get it why my management didn't think about my situation. Yes they able to addressed my concern, but instead of pulling me out from this case without any fuss, it creates more issues and confrontations and I hate it. For me, my management can pull me out here by giving a more realistic alibi but they just put me in tough spot as well. From the day when Rose marie knew about the my concern, she was starting asking and interrogating me like I did a serious crime and that’s very uncomfortable on my part. She’s been very confrontational person and keen to grilled people on the spot. Yes I was nervous and gasping for words to explain my side to her, it seems not difficult to depend yourself to anyone as Long you know where you stand. But explaining yourself in front of Rose Marie was like being judged already by her own trial court. Well I believed that I explained well my side to her as far as I know. I told her that there's something that I can’t say to her directly and not necessary for her to know it. I don't want them to adjust for me because I think too much about my budget but instead, I need to adjust myself for them because they're my client. And I also told her that aside from that, I don't have any issue at all since they were good to me.

I just felt Attacked when her mood changed suddenly. She was fierce and talking to me with conviction. I can tolerate it as Long as she didn't play dirty at my back. Now she was eyeing with my flaws and pointing it out. She escalated quickly as those things are non-sense and superficial. How can you work when someone was always at you back and waiting for your wrongdoing? I'm just human, of course I forgot things and but it’s not necessary to report me because of it. I’m confident about my service and always did my best to delivered standard care to all my patients. It's saddened me because there are people out there who are very keen to push you on the cliff. Yes I fully understand her point that she has right to say about uncle’s welfare but as far as I know my care to all my patients was beyond what I can offer. Different story if you want to put someone in bad situation because he/she’s not on your side.

I felt Attacked when she tried to stop me from talking to auntie. She was rude to her own Mother and she wants me to be like her. It doesn't mean that if I talked to auntie I take sides too. Auntie was very nice and lovely old woman and I believed that talking to her was not wrong. From the moment she wants me to refrain from talking auntie was the time I'm taking her side and being involved on their family issues.

Probably I didn't understand her struggle being part of this family and her journey when she was young. Her scar from the past affects her relationship toward other people today. Maybe I'm not in pain like what she felt inside but I'm willing to listen like what I did. She was very fragile and delicate as what I noticed but for God sake she needs to open her mind and learn to accept her own flaws. She's very selfish, arrogant, close minded, and insensitive. I don't want to be judgmental but I think she's not mentally unstable. The way she talked and treats an average people shows her rudeness and I see it as unacceptable treatment to anyone and we don't deserved it. Definitelly a bully.

I’m not judging her relationship with God. She goes to church almost every day and I witnessed her passion and devotions about her faith. It’s pretty obvious that her faith lifted her confidence, which no matter what happens, God with still forgive her and I truly agreed on that. But here’s the thing, and I asked her about this as well. Would anyone still do the same mistakes and if it’s valid to do it all over again because we know that God can forgive us? As Roman Catholic and my own perception about it, it’s more fulfilling that our soul are full with kindness and understanding for those people that you have met in your life. Meeting a random people in this world wouldn’t be just a coincident because I believed that every one of us had a purposed that we imparted to each other. Yes, maybe we encountered those people in a different situations and it could be in bad or in a wonderful moment. Let’s say meeting them in a worse and a bad situations and we are just a human being that probably our response will be in fight mode. Of course being in a harm situation we tend to defend ourselves but at least we think twice and assess if this all worth of our time and effort. Some of us we can just pass some of those things and carry on or at least raised our own concern in a nicest way and you know talked those people in calm way and as much as possible we don’t want to be mean and sarcastic dealing those bad situations.

Lesson: I realized that even how close we are to God we are still human. Committing mistakes and wrongdoing are pretty normal for us. Going to church did not make us holy as what other think. I’m so naïve that I thought that those people who go to church as often are good people. Yeah of course there’s some exemption about being tagged as Good people but at least the spirit of Christianity is being practice on a daily life and how you live with people around us/you. It’s so sad that God was taking for granted because we all think that he can save us from our sins because we prayed for him and asking him for forgiveness. But we failed him to live his teaching on a daily basis and we forgot to do what the masses preach every Sunday. I’m not perfect, I barely go to church every Sunday and definitely a sinner but at least I tried to be good and practice what Christianity is. I think Kindness, Love and Understanding nowadays are not common for all of us and what we forgot in this world full of uncertainly.

Labels: experience, lesson, life, Nursing aide, ofw, Singapore

Sunday, April 17, 2016

what makes you happy? Posted at April 17, 2016 2 comments (+)

What makes you happy?

What a dying person would think about this question? Is this question would define his/her existence before death occurs.

What makes us realise how much time we actually had versus those people who's battling about their life Everyday..

I had a conversation to one person a few nights ago. She's a person who's actually dealing about her life Everyday. I didn't believe her until she explained about her condition. She got this terminal illness that shortened her life to a few or more years, let's say her life span is much shorter than the average person. I didn't let her to talk or ask what was like her illness, but according to her it runs to her family and she got it. She's been diagnosed two months before her 22years birthday.

I can't imagine how she feels like being diagnosed with this illness. My first time to hear this kind of struggle first hand from that person herself. This story gives me chills down my spine and fear somehow, fear for her? Fear for myself? What ifs etc

After sharing her story to me, I was imagining how her life would be like after learning that she got it. It would be hard? Of course yes, even me having this kind of so called "crisis" this would be a nightmare for me and what more that she got it for real. So depressing for sure! She mentioned that she got this self mirror. I don't know what was that and what is for? Hmm maybe this medium is the way how she vent about her depression.

I asked her what makes her happy, she answered me back that was no particular things that make her happy. Practically what makes us happy are the same thing with her. Family, money, work, stress, being on bed to relax, all these things makes us happy but not as much happier than what she feels. All these things are normal stuff for us to fulfill the whole day but for her these things are precious memories that she's going to keep until the time of her death.

I Asked her about her BUCKET LIST. For me living to a melodramatic world is like watching my favourite korean and local dramas. But I'm too naive about reality, about real life and how life supposed to be for a normal people like her/us/me. Different perspective from a person diagnosed of a terminal illness and her life trapped on a time canister for a certain time period. For her , Having a bucket list couldn't be practical. For her view and she explained to me that what if she didn't make it to accomplish this list, you've have this feeling of regrets about not completing for something you supposed to do while you're still alive. Instead of dying happy, you die with full of regrets. Regretting isn't fulfilling after all and later on it hunts you for the next life, worse you become a lost soul 😐 this view really make sense for me and I realised "yeah, you have point" to make it change the ambiance about this convo, i tried to joke around by saying "you should have simple list, those attainable bucket list" hehe but then again i still don't know what's gonna be my own perspective until I'm experiencing the same situation like her. can i overcome it the way how she accept it? Idk 😞

I was complaining about my life and what my future holds for me. And I didn't know there was someone behind me battling for her life like a time bomb. How ironic that life would be unfair in so many way. I'm not here to judge life and the entire mystery of what life can give. I'm not contented and i will never be, because that's what life supposed to be... We have an endless needs,wishes,dreams,goals and mantrasI was complaining about my life and what my future holds for me. And I didn't know there was someone behind me battling for her life like a time bomb. How ironic that life would be unfair in so many way. I'm not here to judge life and the entire mystery of what life can give. I'm not contented and I will never be, because that's what life supposed to be... We have an endless needs,wishes,dreams,goals and mantras but then again once we got all of these, we're starting again to strives for a new cycle of wishes and so on.. This is what I mean that's why I'm not contented but it doesn't mean that im not happy. Yes, I feel bad, stress, frustrated and failed about not achieving for what I want to get but these things are just a few stressors that make me a whole as a person. Eventually, life teaches me about realisation and like this conversation to someone who's totally stranger to me but then, life let me to know this person and other people around me as well.

Yes, this person got her balls that I suppose to have, because no matter what, she's able to live on her way and make herself adjusted since life give her a very challenging role. I admire her for the courage, her perspective, strength and fighting spirit to overcome the twisted plot that life imposed.

"Go with the flow" is the simplest things I've heard yet this statement is the most powerful. I gotta do my things and be worried about tomorrow and I didn't realised that I'm too drown out about my will to deal with life. Im not running out of time more than she does. I have a lot of time ahead of me than she had. So who am I to complain but instead I need to change my views and make my life easier and light. Be the simplest dude and yet keeps the fire of aiming my dreams :)

Hey you lady! If ever you've read this! I salute and admire you. I know whatever you feel and what illness you had, you're stronger than it. I will keep in mind whatever Views and realisation that you have shared with me. :)

Labels: experience, lesson, life, ofw, Singapore, stranger, teacher

Misjudge Posted at April 17, 2016 0 comments (+)

Last time I got this client in Tampines and somehow this family give me a hard time and fear.

😖 here's the story..

I can believe that they complained about me for some unreasonable matter.

1. Using my phone : I don't think that was wrong because first, that moment I have to ask my colleague about the contact number of other NA who's been doing the service last time. I just want to ask her about the routine. Okay I admit it, using phones at work will be an issue to any institution but then they can just ask me first why I did it or let me explain my side. After my supervisor informed me abt the complain, i tried to confront the Daughter abt their issue and for God sake, this old woman denied it. So funny that she can't even tell straight on my face 😏😒

2. Using new tissue paper to get the used one : this complaint was totally a bullshit, technically I should used gloves because that tissue was contaminated from my patient body's fluids and I don't know why the other NA didn't do the same thing or why she tolerated that routine. I asked the daughter to give me plastic bag so, uncle can just drop the used tissue in it but the funny thing the Daughter answer me back that there was no place to hang it?! Seriously? I can put it right anywhere near from her father because he keep dropping whatever fluids from his nose and she expect me to touch it and pretend that's nothing to me.

3. Uncle was not satisfied after I took him on shower : me was like "wtf! Are they seriously?" 😒 I've been here in Singapore for 2years and they just accused me for not doing my job well, i wanna confront them and ask them one by one, actually im just there to teach uncle not to be dependent.

4. Reading book : I guess they expect me to stare at the wall and wait till the time i need to go home. Seriously! What's wrong about reading my book and that time Uncle was standing at the window for 10mins and im just seated few steps behind him and I checked him every now and then after that he seated on the couch while watching TV. Im trying to say, its all dead time, there's nothing to do. so, what's wrong about it.

5. Be aware of me/Dangerous guy:

Yes! They judged me for real and I don't know what's their reason behind that judgment. Really!?do I looked like Gangster? Even I am, is that a valid reason to judge someone by how he looks like. Besides they just know me for a day. My conclusion is one of the Daughter (old maiden) maybe scared to be rape by me. Hahaha omg I'm also picky tho and over my sexy body she's not even worth it to be rape by anyone haha (sorry im mean)

Moral lesson: Humans are rude. A highest form of animal tend to be a superior at its finest. Come on! We are all human and I'm talking as a part of this species. So, why we can't be understanding. I admitted that me as well, sometimes I tend to be rude to anyone but as much as possible I tried my best not to be and incase I am , by the end of the day I have this regret that I show up my weakness by being rude and inhuman. Funny thing that I felt bad for being judged by strangers but the other way around I'm also like them. Consciously or unconsciously for sure I bullied someone without knowing it.

Labels: dairy, duty, life, Nursing aide, ofw, service, Singapore, tampines

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

I'm lost Posted at November 10, 2015 1 comments (+)

first, I was okay but suddenly I felt this way again. "that feelings" that I don't want to feel anymore. why is the hell happening to me? really, I'm asking this to myself. seriously it brings a lot of crap on me. I'm worried about everything, about my life, about my future, and tons of issues back in manila. really. I've felt lost and unwanted in so many ways.

Bakit ganoon, hindi ako makuntento kung ano ang meron ako. hinahanap ko yung mga bagay na wala ako. nag-iisip ako ng malayo at pinangungunahan ko ang hinaharap. hindi ko maiwasan na wag mag isip at mag alala ng mga bagay bagay na hindi ko naman dapat iniintindihin. pero hindi ko makuha na wag mag alala, Natatakot ako na baka dumating yung oras na lugmok na ako at hindi naman ako naging masaya.

career wise, right now I felt lost, really - iniisip ko kung bakit hindi ko itinuloy yung pagiging nurse after collage at nung pumasa ako, kaya ngayon ang dami kong regrets. bakit pa kasi kailangan ko unahin yung pera kaysa sa gusto ko kaya ito ako ngayon naliligaw ako. for my past career, ni tingin ko hindi naman ako nag grow as perso. yung apat na taon ko sa accenture eh parang nasayang lang, ni hindi naman ako umangat, tapos biglang shift ako ng work career as nursing aide ang tanong okay ba at worth it? in some points okay naman eh, kaya lang di pa rin maalis sa isip ko na hindi pa din sapat yung kung anong meron ako ngayon since kailangan ko supportahan ang mga kapatid at pamilya ko.

gusto kong maranasan yung maging okay sa lahat, maging stable sa lahat ng bagay. wala naman perpektong buhay, alam ko lahat ng tao may problema pero bakit ako nahihirapan? pakiramdam ko ang unfair, hindi ko na nga nagawa yung gusto ko sa buhay at nag iba na rin ako ng path para lang mag trabaho pero ganoon pa din. yung kaonteng pera na kinikita ko eh hindi pa din sapat para sa amin. ano ba naman yung maging stable ako sa trabaho at maging good provider ako sa bahay pero nahihiya ako sa pamilya ko. hindi ko sila mabigyan ng maganda at komportableng buhay. sarili kong kasiyahan hindi ko na din mahanap sa panahon na ito.

really, siguro sa lahat ng post ko dito sa blog na 'to mabibilang lang kung kailan ako naging masaya. naiinis ako sa sarili ko kung bakit ako ganito. Nagdadasal naman ako at nag papasalamat kay God regarding sa mga blessings ko. yes i'm Blessed in so many ways, minsan nga hindi ko nakikita yun at nahihiya ako kay God kasi puro na lang ako reklamo at hindi makontento. maswerte ako at nandito ako sa singapore nakaka pag trabaho pero iniisip ko hindi pa din sapat. ang dami kong gustong gawin sa buhay. ang dami king plano na hindi ko alam sa magsisimula. pag mag iisip ako ng plano at mag sisimulang maghanap ng way bigla naman mawawala yung kaonte kong pag asa. sabi naman ni abby kaya daw ako ganito kasi feeling ko wala akong makakapitan. siguro tama sya ni taong mag mamahal sakin wala nga eh. yung taong pwede kong makasabay mangarap at bumuo ng buhay. sa ganitong aspeto din alam ko naliligaw na din ako. nahihirapan na din ako makabalik at natatakot akong baka maiwan ako at manatili na lang doon.

I think I was challenged by God. Iniisip nya kung hanggang saan ako tatagal. alam ko pag subok lang to malalagpasan ko to. magiging matatag ako. aasa at patuloy akong mangangarap :)

Please gusto ko mawala lahat ng agam agam sa puso ko.

Labels: career, life, ofw, reflection, tagalog

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Alter Ego - don't waste your time on a needless anger Posted at April 15, 2015 3 comments (+)

This is my alter ego and actually I want to be bad as them. About my Facebook post that “I don’t hate people who hate me" well that's a lie - I want to hate them as they hate me! I'm just a human capable to feel bad and getting hurt. Social media is a part of yourself that you want to show to an entire world. A big lie that you want to portray on another side of the world. Social media is full of story and some of the stories aren't even true or half way of lie. But, of course, there still half of people out there are not even bother to tell their story, feelings, heartbreaks, thoughts, problems and their lives. But for me, what will you get it being a storyteller of your own story, especially if that story is not good story at all - people tend to judge you even not knowing you well, they sees you as a pathetic somebody who's seeking for attention. They even talking about you behind your back because you give them rights to do it. I'm sure most of us (including me) did this, having a hot topic about your Facebook friend, real friend or colleagues or a family when we see his/her rant on Facebook, we can't help it but to say what's our point of view about the message that he/ she posted online. I'm avoiding this kind of judgement or better yet if they talking about me it's because they see that I'm happy and seems everything was fine. I don't want them to talk me behind my back like I'm an a loser and mostly I don't want to know them that I been experiencing a bad life or being stuck on my own issue. Sometimes life is being tough for me and reality, I have this issue that makes me sad sometimes, not everyone is capable to understand but you know what, no one want to be treated like a shit and my defence mechanism is to act happy. I'm happy somehow but still, there's a time that I have a bad day and people who make me feel that I'm not enough. As much as I want to shout it loud because I'm hurt so badly. Want to hate them as much as they hate me but I can't :(

Maybe a few people like me feels the same way I feel or do this kind of shit. I want to show them that I'm okay nor I feel that I'm satisfied with life, that I'm strong enough to face everything, things or someone has a capacity to hurt me badly. I'm not a bulletproof to don't feel this nonsense stuff. But you know what?! This "nonsense" makes me weak and even loss myself confident. Happiness is what we’re looking for. Achieved it and feel it, maybe things will turn different when we have this happiness.

I have a friend here. She's older than us and I treat her like a family. We had a lot of good times together with my other friend. She's helping us, give us food, company, confidante, money, and a figure of a mom. I know her for a couple of months and I can say that she's a good person because she treated us like his own child and a good mother to her own child and she kept telling me that she can share whatever she have. I have a good feelings for her, we joke around and I share some of my dilemma to her and also her, she tells me her thoughts and views about other people and I keep it because I'm also like her, sometimes I talked about another people or a friend of mine, not to make story or even make that person bad because my own issue about him/her. But because I want to share my feelings and ask for advice from her. I'm not perfect not to feel bad that's why I need someone who I can talk to.

But suddenly she changed?! One time, over the phone conversation she drops a joke about me. Yes? Somehow I felt bad because a few days ago, she keeps telling about this thing and make me believe that she's not even believing it and she respect me the way how I respect her. This joke is overrated for me - actually this means nothing really! - (about being gay - I don't know where in earth they think that I am? Because I'm not) anyway after the joke, I say " ate Hindi naman ganoon yun eh" and I keep depending myself and a nice way actually the whole time I'm laughing and not even feel bad that moment because I know her, she used to joke around. But suddenly she says "you're still keep talking huh?!" And I stop talking and she start teasing me again and she drops the call. All I know were okay and the following day I tried to call her but she didn't answer. After I got home, my friend ask me what happened to us because ate Gigi is mad at me because I did something to her? Actually I don't even know what my fault was. I don’t know why she's doing this to me? I tried to call her after a week to clear things between us. She keeps talking that I lied to her. And I ask her what that was, don't know what she's talking about because I don't have any idea about it and she drop the call.

Sometimes I ask myself if I deserve this. Because I've been a good friend to her. As much as possible I've been honest with her. If I lied I'm sure that's a good lie. Unconsciously I lied somehow because it for the better. I never ask her about honestly because I know she lied also, in so many ways she tried to lie and I understand it as long as her personal life I don't want to be detailed about it because she needs privacy that's why she lied. But me? I don't even remember the time I lied to her. I'm sure that I'm not guilty.

I'm attached to her, I thought we're a friend - I know her. I know behind my back she's talking about me with Dennis. The same thing she did to Dennis before and I'm guilty because we did it together, but me I'm just trying to release my bad feelings for him before but it doesn't me that I hate him. Is It that normal right? To feel bad about those people around you if they hurt you unconsciously and Dennis did it before and that time I was looking for someone who I can tell it. Since we're been together from the start, I'm badly hurt when Dennis prioritised another people, but still I'm matured enough to overcome it and there were things that should be kept on ourselves no need for confrontation and beside we're still friends. But Ate Gigi, there's a time that I feel that she want us to fight. She's keep telling me about what Dennis told to her and teasing me to speak out, but I chose to be matured and let it go, I know Dennis, maybe unconsciously he did it and I believe that he doesn't mean it.

After all, I didn't say anything about her to Dennis because I want to remain what we have. Now things change?! She's not even talking to me like I'm the one guilty and it makes me sad because I really don't know what's going on with us. She hates me and I don't want to hate her but because she keeps doing things that make me stupid like calling Dennis beside me and not even asking to talk to me, now I start to feel bad for her. I know anger is not a good choice but how come, I really feel bad and hurt. and I tried to understand her.

Sometimes being attached to someone is not a good choice. Days come that you might feel that you were cheated, betrayed, broken, and left behind. Now a days, great friendship is hard to find. And if you find one somewhere you don't know, well you are lucky enough to have it - friendship is not about age gap, status, gender and how rich you are, it’s about communication, understanding, acceptance and unconditional love. And to this generation people like me is now afraid to invest any emotion to stranger but I'm still hoping to meet other people and make a friend because that's me, no matter what happened I will be glad to get a chance to know other. I'm a type of person that careless, kind, understanding, honest, and as much as possible I want to share my life with them.

Another story, I felt bullied in our own company. And it started with one staff there. She's Chinese local Singaporean. From the start she makes me feel that I'm different from the two other guys, one of them is Dennis. I didn't anything to hate me and there was no reason to bully other people. So many times that she makes me feel stupid, she let the other two guy to go early and let me go until the end of shift, that's bullshit! I want to tear her up and beat her until she can't able to walk. Favouritism or being flirt is not appropriate to any institutions. It plays of being one sided and not fair to everybody, I am speaking right now because I'm bullied and I hate her. This seems be superficial but if you were in my position, I'm sure you would also feel what I feel right now. I’m kind of person that can easy to get along, but sometimes I'm not in mood to socialize, I rather to do my thing than to talk. I don’t know, lately I felt that everybody around me is fake. I don't get the point why I felt this way, since I'm being real to anyone, sometimes it’s better to pretend, but that's not me.

Anyway, that's their problem at all. After all, I used to it to be like this. There are still people out there that will judge me, no matter how real I am, no matter how good I am and by the end of the day their own opinion about me will matter and so am I! About the post on Facebook that “don’t waste time for a needless anger" this is fit for me. I write this rant to express my feelings, still, this medium is also a social media but not like in Facebook, everyone there know me (at least my name) here I can express my thoughts to someone who doesn't even know me. Seriously! I hate people who hate me for the time being. After that, I know how to move on. Hahaha I'm still human, capable of anything. But I tried to appreciate goodness to everyone.

Labels: anger management, bully, feelings, friend, hates, life, ofw, rant, Singapore

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Old man from Bedok Posted at April 14, 2015 1 comments (+)

I spent 12 days for this service, 12 hours per day. You know how boring it was. Like most of my time I was sleeping but of course after my duties for uncle.

Uncle is a Muslim and the rest of his family. And my perception about Muslim is bad. They face of terrorism and war. And I know I don't have any rights to judge anyone of them or any religious sect and also these people as well. But because of the news and all of the violence involving these particular religious groups it makes me believe that they were bad and disease in our society. But you know what, when I was there in their home, I've never felt any discrimination or any bad treatment from them. They're nice and friendly like a typical family. They talked so nice, asked me for my needs and make me at home.

They cooked curry puffs and that was so nice, I like the most is the potato curry puff and sardines are so spicy for me, but it also taste good. And his son lend me a book written by Jodi Picoult "the pact" and I enjoyed it, the story was sad and the most melancholic story that I've read so far. And auntie always brings chicken rice for me when they went outside. I like the most is when I talked to his daughter, his daughter was a bit mentally challenge but it was a long time ago. We talked a lot when we have spare time and of course, uncle, he's very nice to me like when he sees me feeling sleepy, he told me to go sleep and don't worry about him :)

Now I've learned to don't judge people unless I know them but although we know them, people do things bad because they need to or they don't have choices instead let's understand each other. Every one of us are different and that difference makes us unique but that uniqueness isn't excuse to judge anyone.

Labels: bedok, care, life, muslim, Nursing aide, ofw, realization, Singapore, uncle

Saturday, April 11, 2015

Old man from Lavender station Posted at April 11, 2015 0 comments (+)

He was my first patient. That time I didn't want to go there and render my service. Fussy and I don't understand him. We've been together for 3 months and I was thinking if I can serve until the end.

He doesn't speak English and I don't speak Chinese and Malay as well. The big challenge is how we can communicate and understand each other. There was a time that he almost tried to beat me and make a sign like "why I didn't even think and understand what he saying" and he makes me stupid in front of other people. He’s very fussy and bossy, he think that we're maid (with my colleague) the way he treated us. But after a few meetups and learned to understand him well that's the time that he changed. After he become relax and even listening to what I'm trying to say to him. We were become friends although sometimes I've made some "pang-uuto" (bribe)

How sad when the person you tried to took care and look after is actually ALONE. Somehow I understand him because for his entire life he was alone until next life. How hard to live with no one else and even to woke up in the morning without someone beside you. No one would be worried and taking care when you are too old. I feel what he feels that's why before he refused our care and even proving himself that he can do it without us. There was a chance that he tried to walk around his room all night and the following morning I saw him lying on the floor and shouting for my name. I was scared if he was hurt, but thanks, God he was okay. I told him not to stand on his bed and wait for me and he said if he died no one will bother to cry and my heart tears into pieces. I told him if he died missy will cry and I insist not to do it again. That conversation is really mean for me. I see how sad and lonely his remaining time and the saddest part a few days ago before he goes to nursing home, he refuses to eat and I noticed him staring into the somewhere and like he was thinking something.

That old man is now in a nursing home. That’s better than to be alone on his flat. Lolo needs someone who will look after him. I hope he will experience a good quality of life before he died. If I have a chance I will taking care of him. I always have a soft spot for an old person. I remembered how my grandma and grandpa took care of me when I was a little.

Labels: Grandfather, life, Nursing aide, ofw, old, Singapore, yeye

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Nursing Aide Posted at March 24, 2015 0 comments (+)

Nursing Aide? What would be the first word that you might think when you hear it?

for me as one of them. maybe "care" that be the first word that i could possibly remember. care from someone you don't know and care that you (that they) put to someone you also don't know. ironic right?

Maybe this is just like a profession that you don't care about. but for me, this is not just like a simple job. maybe not the same as a nurse's duties or even the gravity of their responsibilities. But i will assure you, that they put the same effort and quality of care that they can provide. but technically being a nurse is much higher than that but we can't say that this just "nothing"

sometimes when i'm alone or walking on my way home. i asked myself if this is "worth it" ? like everyone of us comes to the point that you going to ask yourself if you are really happy on your current situation. something that bothering me that i actually don't know where it come from. but when the time a realized that maybe i touched their lives in my own way and i felt blessed and lucky. because I've learned something new also. being compassionate and in love on what you're doing is something that no one can't pull out on you. maybe this is not forever but your love for them will be forever and i hope that all my patient will still remember me and my care for them.

Labels: Nursing aide, ofw, Singapore

Monday, March 23, 2015

7 months singapore Posted at March 23, 2015 0 comments (+)

I need to assess myself after 7 months. after a long hiatus, i can't even imagine that I've been here for almost 8 months. but same feelings before. its feels like na parang ang tagal ko na dito like a years. yung kabisado ko na yung mga trains station and bus stops and i don't have any fear to lost ganoon na ako ka - sure :)

I want to accumulate all my happy days and memories here. like i tried a different foods down the street and places where i've been. Because it makes me different and i feel it in a different ways. those new things that i tried now here will be part of my history and it makes me feel new also. of course, this will be a journey for me. you know! being away from your family and friends is won't be that easy. before i thought i can be that strong enough. like? "yes! hindi ako malulungkot, kasi malapit lang naman ang singapore saka kaya ko yan! "and i say this with happy conviction. But now, checking with the reality that i can say that " I CAN'T" because tendency no matter what, you'll think about them. so! as much as possible in every single days i just want to be happy :D yes! of course tough days will be always there and challenged you where until you can. ( I'm on that situation right now! but i know i can do it. like shouting my mantra to boost my mood :D)

don't think to much. Go with the flow and if you have plan do it with a single step hindi naman tayo nag mamadali :) i know life will be good for us if you have a brighter side to show.

Labels: assessment, goodvibes, ofw, Singapore

Saturday, October 4, 2014

singapore Posted at October 04, 2014 1 comments (+)

Hi there! Im here in Singapore. Almost 2months na ako dito and it feels na parang ang tagal ko na. Anyway, buhay ofw na ang peg ng buhay. Ang dami na nangyari since the last post ko. So much time to take sa pag lipat ko ng department when I was in accenture then right after ng "promotion?" Saka na ako naging busy about singapore. Then ito nga after a week natawagan ako for lined up as nursing aide then boom! Aalis na pala ako nung august 20.

Daming requirements, effort and pera ang nakalaaan para dito. So can't afford to go back home. Anyway about sa pag alis ko going here medyo maaksyon. From the naia and here in changi airport. Tssss!

Ayan dahil law breaker ako. Nag tourist ako pa singapore then from naia airport ~ muntik na ako di matuloy hahaha dahil sa masungit na cebu Pacific staff from luggage check in. After makalusot sa immigration naman ako medyo kinabahan. Daming tanong but because of God's will naitawid ko naman ang lahat :) then here in Singapore okay naman ung immigration walang kahirap hirap. Inabot ko lang ung working permit sa immigration then boom :)

Sa dami ng pinag daanan ko pagkadating dito. Akala ko uuwi na ako agad :( dahil yung inaasahan kong mag papatuloy sa akin dito bigla naman nag back out. Out of nowhere nagbago isip nya. Di man lang ako sinabihan. Siguro ganoon lang ang tao minsan. May handang tumulong na walang kapalit , may iba naman na tutulong pero hihingi ng kapalit. Ang laki ng pasasalamat ko sa auntie ko na DH dito, dahil sa kanya may natuluyan ako same day nung dumating ako :)

#serangoonAve3 ako unang nag stay for 3weeks. Okay naman ibang iba ang singapore sa pilipinas. Malinis, maaliwalas, progressive, and bow ako sa transportation nila :) puro building and their houses are known as HDB. Condo like building. Masaya naman kahit nagtitipid ng budget kasi you know limited cash lang dala ko and im thankful na nandito si diona (bestfriend) she lend me some cash and sila auntie for the groceries.

Ang hirap mag start ng bagong buhay ng malayo sa comfort zone. Yung ikaw lang mag - isa wala kang aasahang iba kundi sarili mo lang. Mahirap mag tiwala daw sa ibang bansa kung sino daw ang kababayan mo yun pa daw ang mag lalaglag sayo. Kaya beware. *noteToMySelf

For this past few weeks na mmiss ko na sila nanay, mga kapatid ko at pamangkin ko :( no choice kaya as much as possible I want to be happy. Anyway daming nangyari talaga. Mga taong nakasalamuha ko. Mga bagong bagay at experience. Mga challenges.hayy mga hard time, I need to document this hehe. I need to catch up medyo outdated na blog ko :D

Labels: life, ofw, Singapore