Hi there,

I haven’t really written down my thoughts since the year began. 2026 has been… something else, not just for me but for a lot of people, I think. There’s so much going on in the world, and at the same time, so much happening in my own life. Lately, I just haven’t had the energy or even the desire to sit down and process everything. I feel lazy sometimes, but honestly, it’s more like I’m just not in the right headspace to do anything at all.

It’s hard to admit, but it feels like I failed, and in some way, we all failed as a family. Even writing that down makes me cringe. Thinking about it too much just makes it worse, but it’s the truth I keep coming back to. As the eldest, I carry this weight, and one of the things that hurts me the most is my brother.

I’ve already expressed how disappointed I am, but the feeling doesn’t go away. I don’t understand how he became the person he is now, the way he thinks, the way he talks, and how he treats everyone at home. It feels like he lacks empathy, understanding, and even basic respect. Seeing how he treats our siblings, how he treats me… it really gets to me. It’s painful and honestly exhausting.

I keep asking myself what went wrong, what’s going on in his mind, and why he sees things the way he does. Every argument, every conversation just ends up reinforcing this feeling that he sees himself as the victim in all of this family drama. And I don’t understand that at all. He’s in a position where he doesn’t have the same responsibilities as the rest of us, he’s free to focus on himself, yet he still feels alone.

That’s the part that confuses me the most. How can someone feel so alone when they’re not actually alone? When there are people around who still care, who are still trying?

And I feel like he’s become overly insensitive to our situation. Our house isn’t exactly an ideal place to live in. it’s small, cluttered, and honestly, there’s barely any space to properly rest. Even when I came back home from overseas, I struggled to adjust, but I tried to understand because… what else can I really do?

But him, it’s like he just does whatever he wants without thinking about anyone else. He decided to create his own small room for himself, carving out space as if he’s the only one who needs it, while everyone else is still struggling. What hurts me the most is seeing my sister, she’s been dealing with such a terrible sleeping situation, yet it feels like she’s the one being overlooked.

And then there’s my mom. The way she treats him compared to my sister and even to me it’s hard not to notice the difference. It feels unfair. It feels like no matter what I do, even if I’m the one trying to provide and hold things together, I don’t really have a voice in that house. Like my words don’t carry any weight. No one really listens. Sometimes it feels like my mom chooses not to see what’s happening, like she’s just… tone-deaf to it all.

And I hate to admit it, but I’ve been feeling envious. I wish I had a better place to come home to, my own space, my own house, somewhere I can just breathe and feel at peace. But what can I do when I don’t have the means yet? That thought alone is frustrating. It makes me question myself, makes me feel like maybe I’m not capable of achieving the things that some of my peers already have.

And that feeling… it just sits with me.

Imagine this I’ve been working overseas for nearly 13 years now. And yes, my life has definitely changed for the better compared to before. I’ve grown, I’ve experienced things I never thought I would, and I’ve been able to provide in ways I once couldn’t.

But at the same time, there are parts of my life that haven’t changed at all. And that’s the part that feels so strange to me.

At this point in my life, all I really want is something better, something more stable, more peaceful. I’ve been thinking, planning, hoping that eventually I’ll get there. I understand that life isn’t the same for everyone, and we all move at different paces. Not everyone’s story turns out the same way, just like mine didn’t.

But I can’t help feeling that it’s unfair sometimes especially when it comes to my family.

That feeling just keeps growing. It’s like no matter how much I’ve sacrificed, how many years I’ve spent away, how much effort I’ve put in… it still doesn’t feel like it’s enough. And maybe what hurts the most is that people don’t even try to see it from my perspective. They don’t see the weight of it, the things I had to give up, or the reasons behind everything I do.

It’s exhausting, carrying all of that and still feeling unseen.

And I think that’s what really gets to me not just the situation itself, but the feeling that everything I’ve done is somehow invisible.

I have so many things I want to say so much frustration built up inside me. But at the same time, I don’t always want to think about it too much. Still, my mind keeps going back to these, same thoughts and situations, over and over again, and it just makes me feel sad.

Social media doesn’t help either. If anything, it makes everything feel worse. I end up comparing, overthinking, and feeling even more down. I know I shouldn’t let it affect me like that, and part of me tries not to but even when my heart wants to ignore it, my mind just won’t stop going there.

And that’s the exhausting part… not being able to turn it off.

Labels: family, life, ofw, thoughts