Hey, I’m 36 now.

I’ve never really been big on birthdays. I don’t usually celebrate them, and I’ve never felt particularly special about them. I do have a few fond birthday memories mostly ones I spent with people I truly cared about but an actual birthday party? I honestly haven’t had one since I turned seven.

Life is complicated. It’s unfair, unpredictable, and no one really gets to choose the life they end up with. Some people are lucky enough to have what others spend their whole lives wishing for. As for me, I’m tired of chasing things. Sure, there are moments when I want something more or something better, but most of the time I feel like… it’s okay. I’ll just do what I need to do.

I’m learning to go with the flow, to let go of the things I can’t control, and to stop stressing over what’s out of my hands.

I’m actually content with where I am right now. I have my own rented place, I can buy the things I want, eat what I’m craving, and I even have time to just be lazy sometimes. I have a job that pays me well (I think), even though my bank account back in Manila is completely depleted LOL.

Still, I don’t really know where I am in life. I feel okay, but I also feel lost. There are things I want to do, plans I think about, but I don’t feel ready to act on them yet. I feel like I’m waiting for the right opportunity, something better but at the same time, I’m unsure about everything, especially with what’s happening in the world right now.

It feels like my life is moving inside its own bubble. In some ways, I feel stuck… but at the same time, I’m constantly moving just going in circles, not really getting anywhere.

I have so many rants in my head about work, about people who get under my skin, and about a friend I once tried to cut off because I felt taken for granted. But the truth is, I don’t really want to let this person go. They matter to me. They’ve been part of my journey, and that means something, even when things aren’t perfect.

I carry this quiet fear that some of my secrets might come out one day, that people will judge me for things they don’t fully understand. At this age, I sometimes feel like I’m behind. I see people I know who have moved on with their lives, and it feels like they’re doing better than me, living fuller or more settled lives.

And here I go again reflecting, comparing my life to others. I know it’s not healthy, and I know I shouldn’t do it, but sometimes I can’t help it. Most days, I don’t care at all. But every now and then, those thoughts show up, and I let them linger a little longer than I should.

Maybe the realization is that I’m not lost I’m just in between.

In between who I used to be and who I’m slowly becoming. Feeling content and feeling uncertain can exist at the same time. I can have stability, comfort, and independence, and still question where my life is headed. That doesn’t mean I’m behind. it just means I’m aware. Awareness often feels like restlessness before it turns into clarity.

Labels: birthday, life, realization