Hi there,

I never really talk to anyone back home about how I feel when I’m there, being in the place I grew up. It makes me feel both sad and nostalgic. I also met some of my friends and saw how their lives have changed for the better. Hearing their stories, including the struggles and setbacks they went through, was truly inspiring.

Life really feels like a series of phases. The quality of life changes over the years, and I noticed that my own life has shifted in ways I never fully realized until now. I feel sad, but at the same time I’m proud of myself. I’m grateful that I have managed to overcome challenges, and I feel lucky that I have changed for the better in some ways. Even though I can’t quite put my finger on the sadness I feel, I know where it comes from.

I think the sadness I felt came from looking back and realizing that my life hasn’t changed in the way I had hoped. There’s frustration and disappointment, especially toward the people I once expected would help me build a better life.

Even now, I carry disappointment toward my brother. I see how selfish he can be, and it hurts because I thought he would at least help me establish a more stable life for our family, something better than the situation we’ve been in. Instead, he didn’t finish his studies, though now he’s trying again to take up his degree while working at the same time. On the surface, that seems like progress, but what adds to my frustration is the life he has chosen for himself.

He lives in our small house in Manila with his girlfriend, taking up space without really contributing to the household expenses or easing the burden on my mom. The stress at home only grew because of that. It upsets me to see him focusing on his own comfort while our family struggles, when he could be stepping up more. It’s not just about money or space, but about responsibility and the willingness to support each other.

This has been weighing heavily on me because family means so much, and I had hoped he would play a bigger part in helping us all move toward a better life. Instead, I’m left feeling let down, even if I try to understand where he is in his journey. I don’t have the courage to talk to him about it, and honestly, I don’t feel the urge to. A part of me believes he should already know what I feel. He should see for himself the kind of life we have now, because our situation at home has hardly changed over the years. It’s as if nothing has moved forward, and that in itself is disheartening.

Sometimes I wonder if he chooses not to notice, or if he convinces himself that things are fine the way they are. But deep down, I can’t help thinking that he should be aware of the struggles we continue to face. He grew up in the same house, with the same challenges, so how can he not see?

When I’m home, I truly love being there. But at the same time, seeing the house I grew up in brings mixed emotions. There’s so much clutter, so many things that I just want to throw away to make the place feel tidier and lighter. Yet I know that no matter how much I want to change it, I can’t transform the house into the kind of home I dream of.

That frustration stays with me the longing for a better place for my family, somewhere more comfortable and peaceful. Even while I’m grateful to be back in the place that shaped me, the thought of wanting something better for all of us keeps lingering in my heart.

I honestly don’t know what to feel sometimes. Life has been unique, complicated, and at times even simple which sounds a bit contradictory, I know. Hehe. But despite all the struggles and the hard times, there are moments when I feel incredibly lucky.

When I stop and think about what I can do now, it reminds me that my life isn’t as bad as I sometimes make it out to be. It’s not perfect, and it’s not exactly the life I once imagined for myself, but I’ve reached a point where I can appreciate the things I’m able to do.

I can travel to places I’ve always wanted to see. I can spend a little on the things that bring me joy. I can share what I have with the people I love paying bills, treating them, and giving back in ways that make me feel proud. These simple things remind me that, even though my journey hasn’t been easy, it has given me strength and the capacity to live a life that still holds meaning.

Hay, I realize now how fast time has been moving. It feels like just the other day I was in Manila, then suddenly yesterday I found myself in Singapore walking and eating around, buying little things on the streets, and spending time with good friend in places I once called home. And then, just the other week, I was in Hong Kong, wandering around the city and enjoying good moments with friends there too.

Everything happened so fast, almost like in a blink. But every place I went to had its own memories and its own meaning for me. Being in those familiar spots with the people I care about made me realize how precious time really is, and how life just keeps going even when I feel like I’m still trying to catch up.

And besides, being in the moment really matters. Life and time move faster than we think, especially when we’re in places where we know we won’t be staying for long. That’s why it’s so important to just be present and appreciate what’s in front of us. I know I need to practice that more for myself.

This home visit made me realize how much more I appreciate my sisters now compared to before. I feel like I can depend on them in some ways. They may not have much to offer, but I truly value the way they treat me. I was never as close to them as I was to my friends, but I guess that’s just how my relationship with my siblings has always been complicated and unconventional. Still, I genuinely care about them, and if I could do more to give us all a better life together, I would do it without hesitation.

My mom is still the same, but she’s getting older, and thinking about that brings a heaviness in my chest. I love her so much, even though there are times I resent some of the habits she carried through life, habits we can’t really change anymore. That frustration stays with me the deep desire to give her a better life, a more comfortable and stress-free life. But the painful truth is that I haven’t been able to do that yet. And what scares me the most is the thought that I might not be able to give her that in her lifetime.

There were so many realizations during this home visit. I saw how quickly money can disappear, how some relatives can be ungrateful for the things I give, and how they keep asking for more. On top of that, there’s the subtle comparison of my life to other people’s, which can feel so draining.

Sometimes, all of this makes me think that maybe I don’t even want to go home. It’s hard when the place that’s supposed to bring comfort also carries so much pressure and expectation.

Looking back on this trip and these home visits, I realize how much life has taught me about patience, gratitude, and perspective. It hasn’t been easy, and there’s still so much I wish I could change for my family and myself. But even in the frustration, disappointment, and sadness, I see growth in myself. I see the strength I’ve built, the love I carry, and the small joys I can create along the way.

Life isn’t perfect, and my family isn’t perfect either, but these experiences remind me to be present, to appreciate the moments I have, and to keep trying to build a better life for myself and the people I love. One step at a time, I hope to turn these reflections into actions, and carry these lessons forward with care and compassion.

Labels: friendsships, life, Philippines