Wednesday, April 15, 2015
Alter Ego - don't waste your time on a needless anger Posted at 8:49 AM 3 comments (+)

This is my alter ego and actually I want to be bad as them. About my Facebook post that “I don’t hate people who hate me" well that's a lie - I want to hate them as they hate me!  I'm just a human capable to feel bad and getting hurt. Social media is a part of yourself that you want to show to an entire world.  A big lie that you want to portray on another side of the world. Social media is full of story and some of the stories aren't even true or half way of lie. But, of course, there still half of people out there are not even bother to tell their story, feelings, heartbreaks, thoughts, problems and their lives. But for me, what will you get it being a storyteller of your own story, especially if that story is not good story at all - people tend to judge you even not knowing you well, they sees you as a pathetic somebody who's seeking for attention. They even talking about you behind your back because you give them rights to do it. I'm sure most of us (including me) did this, having a hot topic about your Facebook friend, real friend or colleagues or a family when we see his/her rant on Facebook, we can't help it but to say what's our point of view about the message that he/ she posted online. I'm avoiding this kind of judgement or better yet if they talking about me it's because they see that I'm happy and seems everything was fine. I don't want them to talk me behind my back like I'm an a loser and mostly I don't want to know them that I been experiencing a bad life or being stuck on my own issue. Sometimes life is being tough for me and reality, I have this issue that makes me sad sometimes, not everyone is capable to understand but you know what, no one want to be treated like a shit and my defence mechanism is to act happy. I'm happy somehow but still, there's a time that I have a bad day and people who make me feel that I'm not enough. As much as I want to shout it loud because I'm hurt so badly. Want to hate them as much as they hate me but I can't :(

Maybe a few people like me feels the same way I feel or do this kind of shit.  I want to show them that I'm okay nor I feel that I'm satisfied with life, that I'm strong enough  to face everything, things or someone has a capacity to hurt me badly.  I'm not a bulletproof to don't feel this nonsense stuff.  But you know what?! This "nonsense" makes me weak and even loss myself confident.  Happiness is what we’re looking for. Achieved it and feel it, maybe things will turn different when we have this happiness.

I have a friend here. She's older than us and I treat her like a family. We had a lot of good times together with my other friend. She's helping us, give us food, company, confidante, money, and a figure of a mom. I know her for a couple of months and I can say that she's a good person because she treated us like his own child and a good mother to her own child and she kept telling me that she can share whatever she have. I have a good feelings for her, we joke around and I share some of my dilemma to her and also her, she tells me her thoughts and views about other people and I keep it because I'm also like her, sometimes I talked about another people or a friend of mine, not to make story or even make that person bad because my own issue about him/her. But because I want to share my feelings and ask for advice from her. I'm not perfect not to feel bad that's why I need someone who I can talk to.

But suddenly she changed?!  One time, over the phone conversation she drops a joke about me. Yes? Somehow I felt bad because a few days ago, she keeps telling about this thing and make me believe that she's not even believing it and she respect me the way how I respect her. This joke is overrated for me - actually this means nothing really! - (about being gay - I don't know where in earth they think that I am? Because I'm not) anyway after the joke, I say " ate Hindi naman ganoon yun eh" and I keep depending myself and a nice way actually the whole time I'm laughing and not even feel bad that moment because I know her, she used to joke around. But suddenly she says "you're still keep talking huh?!" And I stop talking and she start teasing me again and she drops the call. All I know were okay and the following day I tried to call her but she didn't answer. After I got home, my friend ask me what happened to us because ate Gigi is mad at me because I did something to her?  Actually I don't even know what my fault was. I don’t know why she's doing this to me? I tried to call her after a week to clear things between us. She keeps talking that I lied to her. And I ask her what that was, don't know what she's talking about because I don't have any idea about it and she drop the call.

Sometimes I ask myself if I deserve this. Because I've been a good friend to her. As much as possible I've been honest with her. If I lied I'm sure that's a good lie. Unconsciously I lied somehow because it for the better. I never ask her about honestly because I know she lied also, in so many ways she tried to lie and I understand it as long as her personal life I don't want to be detailed about it because she needs privacy that's why she lied. But me? I don't even remember the time I lied to her. I'm sure that I'm not guilty.

I'm attached to her, I thought we're a friend - I know her. I know behind my back she's talking about me with Dennis. The same thing she did to Dennis before and I'm guilty because we did it together, but me I'm just trying to release my bad feelings for him before but it doesn't me that I hate him. Is It that normal right? To feel bad about those people around you if they hurt you unconsciously and Dennis did it before and that time I was looking for someone who I can tell it. Since we're been together from the start, I'm badly hurt when Dennis prioritised another people, but still I'm matured enough to overcome it and there were things that should be kept on ourselves no need for confrontation and beside we're still friends. But Ate Gigi, there's a time that I feel that she want us to fight. She's keep telling me about what Dennis told to her and teasing me to speak out, but I chose to be matured and let it go,  I know Dennis, maybe unconsciously he did it and I believe that he doesn't mean it.

After all, I didn't say anything about her to Dennis because I want to remain what we have. Now things change?! She's not even talking to me like I'm the one guilty and it makes me sad because I really don't know what's going on with us. She hates me and I don't want to hate her but because she keeps doing things that make me stupid like calling Dennis beside me and not even asking to talk to me,  now I start to feel bad for her. I know anger is not a good choice but how come, I really feel bad and hurt. and I tried to understand her.

Sometimes being attached to someone is not a good choice. Days come that you might feel that you were cheated, betrayed, broken, and left behind. Now a days, great friendship is hard to find. And if you find one somewhere you don't know, well you are lucky enough to have it - friendship is not about age gap, status, gender and how rich you are, it’s about communication, understanding, acceptance and unconditional love. And to this generation people like me is now afraid to invest any emotion to stranger but I'm still hoping to meet other people and make a friend because that's me, no matter what happened I will be glad to get a chance to know other. I'm a type of person that careless, kind, understanding, honest, and as much as possible I want to share my life with them.

Another story, I felt bullied in our own company. And it started with one staff there. She's Chinese local Singaporean. From the start she makes me feel that I'm different from the two other guys, one of them is Dennis. I didn't anything to hate me and there was no reason to bully other people.  So many times that she makes me feel stupid, she let the other two guy to go early and let me go until the end of shift, that's bullshit! I want to tear her up and beat her until she can't able to walk. Favouritism or being flirt is not appropriate to any institutions. It plays of being one sided and not fair to everybody, I am speaking right now because I'm bullied and I hate her. This seems be superficial but if you were in my position, I'm sure you would also feel what I feel right now. I’m kind of person that can easy to get along, but sometimes I'm not in mood to socialize, I rather to do my thing than to talk. I don’t know, lately I felt that everybody around me is fake. I don't get the point why I felt this way, since I'm being real to anyone, sometimes it’s better to pretend, but that's not me.

Anyway, that's their problem at all. After all, I used to it to be like this. There are still  people out there that will judge me, no matter how real I am, no matter how good I am and by the end of the day their own opinion about me will matter and so am I! About the post on Facebook that “don’t waste time for a needless anger" this is fit for me. I write this rant to express my feelings, still, this medium is also a social media but not like in Facebook, everyone there know me (at least my name) here I can express my thoughts to someone who doesn't even know me. Seriously! I hate people who hate me for the time being. After that, I know how to move on. Hahaha I'm still human, capable of anything. But I tried to appreciate goodness to everyone.

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~Random thoughts~

People's opinions of you does not define who you are. Everyone has different opinions of you. Instead of trying to please everyone else, be happy with who you are. And if someone isn't happy with who you are, that's life. Not everyone is going to like you, accept it and move on. And be the best you, you can be.