Wednesday, April 1, 2015
Unwanted feelings Posted at 8:51 AM 1 comments (+)

 How funny it was when I've got the news. Suddenly I felt unusual and I know that was not right. My two different friends are now engaged. I knew them for a long time and they are good friend of mine. But what I feel when I got the news is somehow strange. I feel envious and asking why them? Because I know there is a good life ahead for them after they got married. 

I want to defend myself of course. I knew them before and they deserved this kind of milestone.  Carene and I are friends since high school and I believe until now :) we were just friends with something else. I've mentioned her on some of my post before. I don't denied that she was special before although that something between us is now just an untold story and I don't regret it.  Because when things happen it’s really meant for you. And if does not maybe something big would be waiting for you. Now something really meant for carene is now happening.  She's now engaged for her fiancé from London. As far as I know they're been together for a year. And a month ago she posted some photos on Facebook about the intimate proposal of her boyfriend. 

The unwanted feelings was there. And I can't figure out what it was. Jealousy? I'm sure no because what she had now or what states she feels, I am also into it and I would rather to feel happy for her because I know that she's been through a lot of relationships finding a right guy.  Seeing her happy, contented and finally settling down with someone she truly in love with, who am I not to be happy. I know deep inside from the bottom of my heart I would say that I am happy for her. 

We had a short conversation after she posted the ring. And it means a lot to me because that way I really feel that she's still paying a courtesy to a friend like me and I like the attitude. And I realized that I'm still human capable to feel bad and resilient to make it up. Not too late to feel happy for others and somehow you would feel the real happiness and acceptance. This is not just from the mouth but it comes out from within. I don't know how to explain it well. 

Mia is the other woman that felt different too. She's my best friend and my confidant. In some points in our life I know she felt the same way as I did. Comes to the point where we promised that after we reach a certain age if we're still single, we're accepting each other to be couple.  It sounds cliché and childish but it was really means a lot for me. And some part of my life I hold that promise and live with it.  Jealous? I'm afraid that I am. 

I'm selfish in my own way.  This isn't right so what can I do? Self-pity? Laid my back and roll like a baby, put my knee on my chest try to make a fatal position and cry all night. If I had a chance I will do it. But sometimes being in this kind of situation isn't helping me instead it puts me down the grave.

I haven't talking her for weeks and maybe for year because I can't do it. The problem is there's nothing to make me feel this way because she's done nothing.  I myself choose it and this is my fault.  She's a good friend. A very liable and trustworthy a kind of friend and I missed her.  I want to turn the time back when we were still happy with our other friends. But now there's a gap and even before there's a fine gap between us when she started to annoyed me because of a nonsense joke but for me it's a big deal because it came to a dear friend. No one else could do it but a friend.  This is been resolved and the issue now is all my accountability because this just me. 

I denied it When the time she asked me about this situation and the awkwardness between us. Suddenly I stopped talking her and even sending msg.  Because all i want is to remain what we have before. Don't want to raise this up and have some long-time of dramas. Beside i just want space and time to find peace of mind. And that's all I need. 

Actually I'm truly happy about mia! She deserved it as much as I deserve also. She's been longing for a perfect guy for her whole life and sadly I am not that kind of guy. She's been through a painful heart break before and i saw that bitterness around her smile. Maybe I don’t know what she's planning for her future and I'm hoping that she will find the happiness that what she was looking for.  She knew that no matter what we were still be good friend. And soon I will be okay! :)

Besides being jealously. I also felt envious and I know that isn't even right to feel. But my heart still feel that way. And I couldn't stand to it. I've prayed every night that Gods will unleash that sin.  But the facts that everyone seems to be happy and found their real happiness.  I'm still here struggling about everything. this is a my long time agony. but I'm stronger than before and I tell you that I am now better that before. 

To this kind of life. All I'm asking is peace of mind. Although there's always a hard time. I know and I believe it will pay off soon. Faith and my fate will be in Gods will.

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Be crazy. Be weird. Don't be afraid of what anybody thinks.

‡Gilbert/25/Singapore-Phil‡


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~Random thoughts~

People's opinions of you does not define who you are. Everyone has different opinions of you. Instead of trying to please everyone else, be happy with who you are. And if someone isn't happy with who you are, that's life. Not everyone is going to like you, accept it and move on. And be the best you, you can be.