Wednesday, April 1, 2015
Unwanted feelings
Posted at April 01, 2015
1 comments (+)
How funny it was when I've got the news. Suddenly I felt
unusual and I know that was not right. My two different friends are now
engaged. I knew them for a long time and they are good friend of mine. But what
I feel when I got the news is somehow strange. I feel envious and asking why
them? Because I know there is a good life ahead for them after they got
married.
I want to
defend myself of course. I knew them before and they deserved this kind of
milestone. Carene and I are friends since high school and I believe until
now :) we were just friends with something else. I've mentioned her on
some of my post before. I don't denied that she was special before although
that something between us is now just an untold story and I don't regret
it. Because when things happen it’s really meant for you. And if does not
maybe something big would be waiting for you. Now something really meant for
carene is now happening. She's now engaged for her fiancé from London. As
far as I know they're been together for a year. And a month ago she posted some
photos on Facebook about the intimate proposal of her boyfriend.
The
unwanted feelings was there. And I can't figure out what it was. Jealousy? I'm
sure no because what she had now or what states she feels, I am also into it
and I would rather to feel happy for her because I know that she's been through
a lot of relationships finding a right guy. Seeing her happy, contented
and finally settling down with someone she truly in love with, who am I not to
be happy. I know deep inside from the bottom of my heart I would say that I am
happy for her.
We had a
short conversation after she posted the ring. And it means a lot to me because
that way I really feel that she's still paying a courtesy to a friend like me
and I like the attitude. And I realized that I'm still human capable to feel
bad and resilient to make it up. Not too late to feel happy for others and
somehow you would feel the real happiness and acceptance. This is not just from
the mouth but it comes out from within. I don't know how to explain it well.
Mia is
the other woman that felt different too. She's my best friend and my confidant.
In some points in our life I know she felt the same way as I did. Comes to
the point where we promised that after we reach a certain age if we're still
single, we're accepting each other to be couple. It sounds cliché and
childish but it was really means a lot for me. And some part of my life I hold
that promise and live with it. Jealous? I'm afraid that I am.
I'm
selfish in my own way. This isn't right so what can I do? Self-pity? Laid
my back and roll like a baby, put my knee on my chest try to make a fatal
position and cry all night. If I had a chance I will do it. But sometimes being
in this kind of situation isn't helping me instead it puts me down the grave.
I haven't
talking her for weeks and maybe for year because I can't do it. The
problem is there's nothing to make me feel this way because she's done
nothing. I myself choose it and this is my fault. She's a good
friend. A very liable and trustworthy a kind of friend and I missed her.
I want to turn the time back when we were still happy with our other friends.
But now there's a gap and even before there's a fine gap between us when she
started to annoyed me because of a nonsense joke but for me it's a big deal
because it came to a dear friend. No one else could do it but a friend.
This is been resolved and the issue now is all my accountability because this
just me.
I denied
it When the time she asked me about this situation and the awkwardness between
us. Suddenly I stopped talking her and even sending msg. Because all i
want is to remain what we have before. Don't want to raise this up and have
some long-time of dramas. Beside i just want space and time to find peace of
mind. And that's all I need.
Actually
I'm truly happy about mia! She deserved it as much as I deserve also. She's
been longing for a perfect guy for her whole life and sadly I am not that kind
of guy. She's been through a painful heart break before and i saw that
bitterness around her smile. Maybe I don’t know what she's planning for
her future and I'm hoping that she will find the happiness that what she was
looking for. She knew that no matter what we were still be good
friend. And soon I will be okay! :)
Besides
being jealously. I also felt envious and I know that isn't even right to feel.
But my heart still feel that way. And I couldn't stand to it. I've prayed every
night that Gods will unleash that sin. But the facts that everyone seems to
be happy and found their real happiness. I'm still here struggling
about everything. this is a my long time agony. but I'm stronger than before and I tell you that I am now better that before.
To this
kind of life. All I'm asking is peace of mind. Although there's always a hard
time. I know and I believe it will pay off soon. Faith and my fate will be in Gods
will.
GILBERT S.P
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