It’s easy for me to say, “next time, I won’t let people use me,” or that I’ll stop helping just out of pure kindness. But when I’m actually in that situation, it’s a completely different story. I struggle so much to say no. Even when I know I don’t owe anyone an explanation, I still find myself trying to justify it  almost like I need to prove that I’m struggling too.

Money is the hardest part. When someone asks to borrow, even if I know it will mess up my own budget, I still end up saying yes. And it’s not like it’s easy for me to let go of that money I worked hard for it, I sacrificed for it. But somehow, I still give in. That’s what frustrates me the most… I say all these things about setting boun
daries, but when the moment comes, I do the exact opposite.

Sometimes I even go as far as making long explanations or small lies, just to soften the “no” or reduce the amount I lend. Instead of simply saying, “Sorry, I can’t this time,” I carry this unnecessary guilt, like I’m doing something wrong for protecting myself.

It makes me feel selfish for even thinking that way, but at the same time, I’m exhausted. I’m tired of always being the one who helps, the one who gives, and somehow ends up being taken for granted. My intentions are genuine, but it feels like people don’t see that they just see someone they can rely on too easily, someone who won’t say no.

Like my cousin… she owes me so much, to the point where I don’t even expect her to pay me back anymore. A part of me still hopes she will, but realistically, I know her situation and deep down, I feel like it’s never going to happen. Realizing how much I’ve given her was a wake-up call for me. It made me step back, create distance, and start being more mindful of my choices.

And for the first time, I didn’t feel like a bad person for doing that. I realized that I’ve already done more than enough. It’s not my responsibility to always be the one she turns to, especially when she hasn’t made any effort to repay or even acknowledge what I’ve done.

And there are people who seem to value me because I can lend them money. It makes me wonder, what happens if I can’t anymore? Will they still treat me the same way? Will they still be kind to me, or will everything change?

I don’t even know the answer, and that’s what bothers me. These thoughts make me feel judgmental, like I’m questioning people’s intentions too much. But at the same time, I think it comes from how much I care about what people think of me. I want to be liked, I want to be seen as someone dependable, someone good. I guess that’s where my people-pleasing comes from.

The hard part is that I’m always thinking ahead about how people might react. If I say no, will they get upset? Will they think I’ve changed? Will they talk about me? Those thoughts keep running in my head, and before I know it, I’ve already said yes just to avoid all of that.

I know it’s not healthy, but it feels so automatic. I don’t even give myself the chance to choose what’s actually right for me, because I’m too focused on how others might feel or what they might say. And I’m starting to realize that as long as I keep living like this, I’ll always end up putting myself last.

I’ve been through so much just from having nothing before, and it really stays with me. That feeling of being broke, of not knowing how you’ll get through things, it’s something I never want to experience again. So now, I’m very conscious about money. I plan, I save, I make sure I don’t put myself back in that situation.

That’s why it’s hard for me to understand how some people can live paycheck to paycheck without even trying to set something aside. I know everyone’s situation is different, but sometimes it just doesn’t make sense to me. Like this one person I know, he spends on things back home, buys whatever he wants, like condo and car (what he told me), and then comes back here with nothing. Then suddenly, he’s asking me to lend him money because he’s already out of budget.

And what makes it worse is the way they handle it. They promise to pay you back, give you a date, and then when that date comes, nothing. Not even a message. Not even basic respect. I even greeted him during the holidays, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, and he couldn’t even respond. But the moment I followed up about the money he owed me, that’s the only time I heard from him.

It just makes me see things differently. The way I treat people versus how some people treat me doesn’t match at all. I show up with sincerity, with respect, with real intention to help. But for some of them, it feels like I’m only remembered when they need something.

And honestly, that realization hurts more than the money itself. It makes me question whether they value me as a person, or if they just see me as someone they can rely on when things go wrong on their end.

I’m always willing to help, but only within reason. I just hope people understand that I’m not rich. I don’t come from generational wealth, and I’m not someone who can just give money without thinking twice. I’m just a regular person who learned, the hard way, how important it is to value money.

I try to find a balance. I don’t want to be someone who saves so much that I forget to actually live and enjoy what I’ve worked for. But at the same time, I refuse to go back to a place where I feel helpless and broke again. That fear is always there, quietly reminding me to be careful.

What makes it difficult is when people don’t see that side of me. They don’t see the discipline, the sacrifices, or the anxiety behind every decision I make with money. They just see someone who can help. And sometimes it feels like they assume I’ll always say yes, without realizing that every “yes” comes with a cost on my end too.

I don’t mind helping. I just want it to be mutual in respect, in understanding, and in awareness that I’m doing what I can, not what they expect.

Labels: friends, money, thoughts

I'm just so darn lucky to have friends like Dors and Mary. We haven't had tons of time to make epic memories together in recent years, but I can feel deep down how much they mean to me. Life's a bit more bearable when you've got pals who stick with you through thick and thin, you know? They've saved me in ways they probably don't even realize, and I can't thank my stars enough for having them in my life. Here's hoping our friendship lasts forever, even if our lives take different paths and lives we may lead.

Now, Mary's a gem of a friend. Her support and belief in me are like gold – absolutely priceless. I know I can count on her, and you bet I've got her back too. Through the toughest of battles, she's my ray of hope. I can shoot her a call, vent all my troubles, and spill my guts without worrying about being judged. And when the blues hit or I'm feeling low on motivation, I know she's there, cheering me on with prayers that really hit home.

Dors, too, is a precious friend. Her presence holds great significance for me, and I am grateful to know I can depend on her, much like with Mary. While our communication may not be constant, and we don't often intrude on each other's lives, she is a friend I can turn to whenever needed. It's not always about the frequency of communication, but the personal connection we share, and I am confident that Dors and I possess that enduring connection.

Now, I've got other friends on the side, and Vans is a constant reminder that unexpected friendships can be pretty awesome too. She's been a reliable source of relief for me. Venting out and discussing the struggles I've been facing here in the Maldives is like a sweet escape with her. Vans might be a bit unconventional in her life decisions, and sure, we might not see eye to eye on everything, but that's what makes her a real, vulnerable human being. She needs someone like me to remind her of what I think is right. I'm not perfect, but I want the best for her, as any friend should.

For me, Vans might not be perfect, but she means a lot to me. I hope our friendship stands the test of time. Sure, there are those moments when I feel a bit frustrated, like when she forgets about the money she owes me. But hey, communication is key. I should just ask her about it, and there's nothing to be scared of. Getting to know the person beyond those unwanted thoughts is way better than jumping to conclusions and making things complicated and that’s the greatest lesson for me.

And then there's Athena, my distant soulmate. I believe friendships can have their own soulmates too, right? We've been best friends for ages, and it's one of the most incredible things in my life. Recently, our deeper conversations have made me realize that we're both growing older. The depth of setbacks we've faced in our lives goes beyond what we could have imagined. It's definitely not the smoothest journey, but it's also not as rough as what some people have experienced but lately it bonded us in most matured way. She's changed a lot from the person I knew a few years ago. Life threw some challenges her way, and it's been eye-opening to see just how strong she is. I'll admit, I used to misjudge her but definitely rooting for her since day 1. You know, when you're close to someone, doubts can pop up, and I had my fair share about her. But seeing Athena tackle life head-on, it made me realize people can surprise you, just like she did. Sure, I know her, but there's always more to someone than meets the eye. Her personal growth, unfolding right under my nose, is something I find truly admirable and makes me so proud of her.

These people, They're a huge part of my life. You know, I've had my fair share of friends who just kind of faded away. It's a bit of a bummer how someone you used to know can just poof, disappear. Sad, but hey, that's the real deal, right? People come and go. But right now, I'm just really thankful for all the memories I've made with these awesome folks.

Labels: friends, friendships

 What a week, seriously! Vans swung by, crashed at my place, and even brought me a fighting fish as a gift. It totally brightened my day, especially since she knows I'm usually rolling solo. She's got this concern that I adopted a house spider as a pet previously—hilarious!

Now, on a more real note, she's going through a ton with her relationship, and it's turning into a hot mess. She made a quick move that could put her in a tight spot. When she spilled the whole story, tears and all, I couldn't help but remind her that maybe this relationship wasn't the best idea. I supported her because it made her happy, but I also warned her about the potential fallout. Sadly, she went ahead with it, and now she's facing the consequences.

The tiny silver lining, if you can call it that, is that she's finally clued in that this won't end well. Plus, it's kinda good that all the effort and emotion she poured into this wasn't reciprocated by the guy. Honestly, I'm relieved about that—I never wanted her stuck in a deep relationship that I knew wasn't right for her.

One thing that really got to me was when she brought the guy's family into the whole mess. She knows firsthand the pain of having a broken family, the struggles, and the consequences that come with it. Yet, in the heat of the moment, she went ahead, not even considering the impact on the child involved. I can't entirely blame her, but that's the reality of it. Both of them share the responsibility for this chaos. I genuinely hope she finds someone who will love her the way she deserves.

Before Vans headed back to the resort, we had a picnic at the artificial beach. It's good to see that she's in a better state now. The next day, she shrugged off the hot mess they created and accepted the reality, acknowledging that things got a bit messier. Despite that, she's in a better place and even managed to reconcile with the guy, agreeing to help him stay in the Maldives. I initially thought she might hold some resentment, but I'm genuinely pleased with how Vans handled everything and emerged as a good person through it all

It's puzzling why people willingly put themselves in complicated situations, enduring all this agony. To me, it doesn't seem worth it. I'm just thankful that I don't have any interest in diving into a relationship right now—talk about dodging a bullet! LOL

Looking back at my week, I can say it was quite productive in terms of studying. Although I have this tendency to jump between different topics and struggle to finish one in a single sitting, I managed to accomplish what I set out to do. The challenge, though, is my bad habit of getting easily distracted. I find myself scattered all over the place, making my studying routine more challenging and causing a bit of anxiety.

But that's how it goes, isn't it? I just have to do what needs to be done. I'm genuinely putting in effort to absorb as much as I can and keeping my fingers crossed to pass the exam.

Labels: friends, thoughts

Vans and I had a wonderful catch-up last night. We ventured out for some shopping in Male and enjoyed a dinner at Burger King. It was so enjoyable chatting with Vans, sharing our rants, struggles, and hearty laughs. There's something truly special about having someone close to you with whom you can confide things you might not share with everyone. I'm fortunate to have many close friends. Mary and Dors are always there for me, Athena has been a constant presence in my life since the beginning, and I can always count on her. Abby is another pillar of support I can lean on, and no matter what, I know I can run to her for help, just like Gladys, who started as a stranger but soon became a dear friend. However, having Vans here on the island is different. She can truly understand my situation since she also works here. I feel truly blessed to have formed friendships with so many wonderful people.

To be honest, I find it challenging to share this kind of struggle with my family at home—my mom and siblings. There's a sense of awkwardness in discussing my personal challenges with them. I've been under a lot of stress due to work and the people

Labels: friends, work

Overall, it was a fantastic catch-up. Max's humor always lightens the mood, and Mike's conversation never disappoints. It's just great to chat with good friends about life, work, our personal struggles, experiences, and all the craziness that comes our way. My talks with Mike hit home because we share common experiences, and I've known him longer than Max. Even though I have stories about Max too, Mike remains a dear friend to me.

Having friends nearby who get what it's like to work in a foreign place is like therapy. It's comforting to have someone who understands the highs and lows of life in a new location. (Not so new)

I'm still feeling a bit guilty about skipping my study session today, even though I've been procrastinating most of all day. I really hope I can pass my exam this time.

Labels: expat, friends, maldives

Labels: feelings, friends, love, move on, notes

Labels: food, friends, life, place, wayback, work

Labels: accenture, career, friends, hidden sanctuary, summer

Labels: depression, friends, future, problem

Labels: accenture, friends, goodbye, work

the following day. i've been assigned to recep since carene is on leave to attend some scheduled interview on IBM, makati, and Ortigas. T_T and ace is also absent for the following day,also for her sched. interview. and these things makes me worried and being alarming on my part. they starting moving for their career and i'm still there hanging and thinking for my next step O__O and i felt that ms. jean is also panicking these days because if in case two people in recruitment center will be out and they need to find for another people to do their stuff. the fact na iiwan na nila akoooo Y_Y

anyway carene make it to passed all the assessment in IBM and she is already for the background check. and as far as i know, she already file for resignation and rendering 30days in accenture. well feeling bad ~kahit paano naman Okay naman kami ni carene ee. nakakamiss din yung magkasama kami sa recep even i had a hard time working with her hahaha but the end of the day mag kaibigan naman kami nun.. saka ang balak ko eh yung uunahan ko syang mag resign hahaha :) hahaha i hope she's doing well there and a big goodluck for her new career. at sana matuto na syang mag-save and being matured enough to be responsible sa lahat ng gagawin nya. (maka-goodluck at maka pag advice naman ako hahaha ) ms. jean already talked to me regarding for my extension .. and her adviced that my contact extension is 1 year and i'm just like "thank you ms. jean, thank you po" hahaha i don't know if i feel happy because i'm still extended within a year seriously! i'm not even excited about that. because i know in my self that i had plans that i need to be consider but u know doing some decisions, we don't really know, if that decision is good or it will be bad. well that's life**

ms. ai, noticed my white socks. and she's start freaking out like " you're like a high school student, you shouldn't wear that. hahaha " and tried to called sir wielan and they're start laughing so hard :D i don't know that this is not a proper socks that i should wear. hahaha anyway sir wielan gave me his brand new black socks. and i thanked him for that.

goodluck for me next week. i'll be in recep the whole week with carene. kinda worried and tense working with her. because i just feel her authority down under my skinnnn Y_Y being traumatize*** sana wag akong nganga the whole week. hahahaha 

wishing for good this month

Labels: career, february, friends, life, work