It’s easy for me to say, “next time, I won’t let people use me,” or that I’ll stop helping just out of pure kindness. But when I’m actually in that situation, it’s a completely different story. I struggle so much to say no. Even when I know I don’t owe anyone an explanation, I still find myself trying to justify it  almost like I need to prove that I’m struggling too.

Money is the hardest part. When someone asks to borrow, even if I know it will mess up my own budget, I still end up saying yes. And it’s not like it’s easy for me to let go of that money I worked hard for it, I sacrificed for it. But somehow, I still give in. That’s what frustrates me the most… I say all these things about setting boun
daries, but when the moment comes, I do the exact opposite.

Sometimes I even go as far as making long explanations or small lies, just to soften the “no” or reduce the amount I lend. Instead of simply saying, “Sorry, I can’t this time,” I carry this unnecessary guilt, like I’m doing something wrong for protecting myself.

It makes me feel selfish for even thinking that way, but at the same time, I’m exhausted. I’m tired of always being the one who helps, the one who gives, and somehow ends up being taken for granted. My intentions are genuine, but it feels like people don’t see that they just see someone they can rely on too easily, someone who won’t say no.

Like my cousin… she owes me so much, to the point where I don’t even expect her to pay me back anymore. A part of me still hopes she will, but realistically, I know her situation and deep down, I feel like it’s never going to happen. Realizing how much I’ve given her was a wake-up call for me. It made me step back, create distance, and start being more mindful of my choices.

And for the first time, I didn’t feel like a bad person for doing that. I realized that I’ve already done more than enough. It’s not my responsibility to always be the one she turns to, especially when she hasn’t made any effort to repay or even acknowledge what I’ve done.

And there are people who seem to value me because I can lend them money. It makes me wonder, what happens if I can’t anymore? Will they still treat me the same way? Will they still be kind to me, or will everything change?

I don’t even know the answer, and that’s what bothers me. These thoughts make me feel judgmental, like I’m questioning people’s intentions too much. But at the same time, I think it comes from how much I care about what people think of me. I want to be liked, I want to be seen as someone dependable, someone good. I guess that’s where my people-pleasing comes from.

The hard part is that I’m always thinking ahead about how people might react. If I say no, will they get upset? Will they think I’ve changed? Will they talk about me? Those thoughts keep running in my head, and before I know it, I’ve already said yes just to avoid all of that.

I know it’s not healthy, but it feels so automatic. I don’t even give myself the chance to choose what’s actually right for me, because I’m too focused on how others might feel or what they might say. And I’m starting to realize that as long as I keep living like this, I’ll always end up putting myself last.

I’ve been through so much just from having nothing before, and it really stays with me. That feeling of being broke, of not knowing how you’ll get through things, it’s something I never want to experience again. So now, I’m very conscious about money. I plan, I save, I make sure I don’t put myself back in that situation.

That’s why it’s hard for me to understand how some people can live paycheck to paycheck without even trying to set something aside. I know everyone’s situation is different, but sometimes it just doesn’t make sense to me. Like this one person I know, he spends on things back home, buys whatever he wants, like condo and car (what he told me), and then comes back here with nothing. Then suddenly, he’s asking me to lend him money because he’s already out of budget.

And what makes it worse is the way they handle it. They promise to pay you back, give you a date, and then when that date comes, nothing. Not even a message. Not even basic respect. I even greeted him during the holidays, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, and he couldn’t even respond. But the moment I followed up about the money he owed me, that’s the only time I heard from him.

It just makes me see things differently. The way I treat people versus how some people treat me doesn’t match at all. I show up with sincerity, with respect, with real intention to help. But for some of them, it feels like I’m only remembered when they need something.

And honestly, that realization hurts more than the money itself. It makes me question whether they value me as a person, or if they just see me as someone they can rely on when things go wrong on their end.

I’m always willing to help, but only within reason. I just hope people understand that I’m not rich. I don’t come from generational wealth, and I’m not someone who can just give money without thinking twice. I’m just a regular person who learned, the hard way, how important it is to value money.

I try to find a balance. I don’t want to be someone who saves so much that I forget to actually live and enjoy what I’ve worked for. But at the same time, I refuse to go back to a place where I feel helpless and broke again. That fear is always there, quietly reminding me to be careful.

What makes it difficult is when people don’t see that side of me. They don’t see the discipline, the sacrifices, or the anxiety behind every decision I make with money. They just see someone who can help. And sometimes it feels like they assume I’ll always say yes, without realizing that every “yes” comes with a cost on my end too.

I don’t mind helping. I just want it to be mutual in respect, in understanding, and in awareness that I’m doing what I can, not what they expect.

Labels: friends, money, thoughts