September End Reflection Posted at September 30, 2025 0 comments (+)

As September ends, I can’t help but sit with so many tangled thoughts about life. If there’s one thing this month has shown me, it’s how unfair and complicated life can really be. There are struggles I carry quietly, wishes I hold deep inside that make me wonder if I’ll ever become the person I imagine myself to be. Sometimes, it leaves me feeling lost like I’m wandering without a clear direction.

And then there’s the anger, the frustration, the disappointment I carry sometimes toward life, sometimes toward myself. I can feel how much it has shaped me, how it has held me back, how it has kept me from moving freely toward who I want to be. There are days when it feels like I’m trapped in my own mind, stuck between the weight of what I’ve endured and the pressure of what I still want. I want to break free from it all the expectations, the doubts, the fear that I’ll never measure up to my own dreams.

Even in all that tension, I know I am incredibly blessed. I’ve se
en and experienced things that many people will never have the chance to. I’ve been given opportunities, the ability to see the world from different angles, to travel, to be inspired, to dream bigger than I ever thought possible. And yet, despite all of it, I’m still just a human being still scared, still unsure, still wrestling with what life has to offer.

There’s a strange tension I carry: being grateful for everything I have, while still longing for something I can’t always name. I see the people around me their imperfections, their flaws and still, I cherish them, because they remind me what it means to love, to belong, and to stay grounded. At the same time, I feel the restless pull inside me, the hunger for something beyond what I already know, the desire to step into the person I’m meant to become without fear.

This month has reminded me that it’s okay to hold all of these truths at the same time. Life can feel unfair, confusing, and heavy. But it can also be breathtakingly beautiful, generous, and full of blessings. My journey may not be about erasing pain or avoiding fear it’s about learning to move through it. It’s about dreaming big while staying grounded, embracing my fears but holding onto faith, and never forgetting to be grateful, even while I continue longing for more.

And maybe that’s the point: to live fully, even with the contradictions, the anger, the doubts, and the hope. To break free from what has held me, to rise into the life I’m quietly learning I’m capable of living, and to do it with both courage and grace.

Labels: life, reflection

Between Places and People Posted at September 27, 2025 0 comments (+)

Hi there,

I just came back from my annual leave. I spent three weeks on my trip, two weeks at home in Manila and one week in Hong Kong. This trip gave me so many realizations about life on a personal level.

I never really talk to anyone back home about how I feel when I’m there, being in the place I grew up. It makes me feel both sad and nostalgic. I also met some of my friends and saw how their lives have changed for the better. Hearing their stories, including the struggles and setbacks they went through, was truly inspiring.

Life really feels like a series of phases. The quality of life changes over the years, and I noticed that my own life has shifted in ways I never fully realized until now. I feel sad, but at the same time I’m proud of myself. I’m grateful that I have managed to overcome challenges, and I feel lucky that I have changed for the better in some ways. Even though I can’t quite put my finger on the sadness I feel, I know where it comes from.

I think the sadness I felt came from looking back and realizing that my life hasn’t changed in the way I had hoped. There’s frustration and disappointment, especially toward the people I once expected would help me build a better life.

Even now, I carry disappointment toward my brother. I see how selfish he can be, and it hurts because I thought he would at least help me establish a more stable life for our family, something better than the situation we’ve been in. Instead, he didn’t finish his studies, though now he’s trying again to take up his degree while working at the same time. On the surface, that seems like progress, but what adds to my frustration is the life he has chosen for himself.

He lives in our small house in Manila with his girlfriend, taking up space without really contributing to the household expenses or easing the burden on my mom. The stress at home only grew because of that. It upsets me to see him focusing on his own comfort while our family struggles, when he could be stepping up more. It’s not just about money or space, but about responsibility and the willingness to support each other.

This has been weighing heavily on me because family means so much, and I had hoped he would play a bigger part in helping us all move toward a better life. Instead, I’m left feeling let down, even if I try to understand where he is in his journey. I don’t have the courage to talk to him about it, and honestly, I don’t feel the urge to. A part of me believes he should already know what I feel. He should see for himself the kind of life we have now, because our situation at home has hardly changed over the years. It’s as if nothing has moved forward, and that in itself is disheartening.

Sometimes I wonder if he chooses not to notice, or if he convinces himself that things are fine the way they are. But deep down, I can’t help thinking that he should be aware of the struggles we continue to face. He grew up in the same house, with the same challenges, so how can he not see?

When I’m home, I truly love being there. But at the same time, seeing the house I grew up in brings mixed emotions. There’s so much clutter, so many things that I just want to throw away to make the place feel tidier and lighter. Yet I know that no matter how much I want to change it, I can’t transform the house into the kind of home I dream of.

That frustration stays with me the longing for a better place for my family, somewhere more comfortable and peaceful. Even while I’m grateful to be back in the place that shaped me, the thought of wanting something better for all of us keeps lingering in my heart.

I honestly don’t know what to feel sometimes. Life has been unique, complicated, and at times even simple which sounds a bit contradictory, I know. Hehe. But despite all the struggles and the hard times, there are moments when I feel incredibly lucky.

When I stop and think about what I can do now, it reminds me that my life isn’t as bad as I sometimes make it out to be. It’s not perfect, and it’s not exactly the life I once imagined for myself, but I’ve reached a point where I can appreciate the things I’m able to do.

I can travel to places I’ve always wanted to see. I can spend a little on the things that bring me joy. I can share what I have with the people I love paying bills, treating them, and giving back in ways that make me feel proud. These simple things remind me that, even though my journey hasn’t been easy, it has given me strength and the capacity to live a life that still holds meaning.

Hay, I realize now how fast time has been moving. It feels like just the other day I was in Manila, then suddenly yesterday I found myself in Singapore walking and eating around, buying little things on the streets, and spending time with good friend in places I once called home. And then, just the other week, I was in Hong Kong, wandering around the city and enjoying good moments with friends there too.

Everything happened so fast, almost like in a blink. But every place I went to had its own memories and its own meaning for me. Being in those familiar spots with the people I care about made me realize how precious time really is, and how life just keeps going even when I feel like I’m still trying to catch up.

And besides, being in the moment really matters. Life and time move faster than we think, especially when we’re in places where we know we won’t be staying for long. That’s why it’s so important to just be present and appreciate what’s in front of us. I know I need to practice that more for myself.

This home visit made me realize how much more I appreciate my sisters now compared to before. I feel like I can depend on them in some ways. They may not have much to offer, but I truly value the way they treat me. I was never as close to them as I was to my friends, but I guess that’s just how my relationship with my siblings has always been complicated and unconventional. Still, I genuinely care about them, and if I could do more to give us all a better life together, I would do it without hesitation.

My mom is still the same, but she’s getting older, and thinking about that brings a heaviness in my chest. I love her so much, even though there are times I resent some of the habits she carried through life, habits we can’t really change anymore. That frustration stays with me the deep desire to give her a better life, a more comfortable and stress-free life. But the painful truth is that I haven’t been able to do that yet. And what scares me the most is the thought that I might not be able to give her that in her lifetime.

There were so many realizations during this home visit. I saw how quickly money can disappear, how some relatives can be ungrateful for the things I give, and how they keep asking for more. On top of that, there’s the subtle comparison of my life to other people’s, which can feel so draining.

Sometimes, all of this makes me think that maybe I don’t even want to go home. It’s hard when the place that’s supposed to bring comfort also carries so much pressure and expectation.

Looking back on this trip and these home visits, I realize how much life has taught me about patience, gratitude, and perspective. It hasn’t been easy, and there’s still so much I wish I could change for my family and myself. But even in the frustration, disappointment, and sadness, I see growth in myself. I see the strength I’ve built, the love I carry, and the small joys I can create along the way.

Life isn’t perfect, and my family isn’t perfect either, but these experiences remind me to be present, to appreciate the moments I have, and to keep trying to build a better life for myself and the people I love. One step at a time, I hope to turn these reflections into actions, and carry these lessons forward with care and compassion.

Labels: friendsships, life, Philippines

Trying Not to Take It Personally Posted at September 02, 2025 0 comments (+)

 Hi Journal,

I’m honestly feeling a mix of disappointment, frustration, and a little sadness right now because of Gladys. I recently found out that she’s been telling stories not just once, but twice  to her colleague in Dubai about the work we’ve been doing here in the Maldives. The way I heard it, it almost sounded like she was making fun of me, as if she was trying to make me look like someone who doesn’t really know what they’re doing. And that really stings… more than I thought it would.

I keep replaying our conversations during the field visits in my head, trying to recall every single detail. I honestly believe I didn’t say anything wrong. Everything I shared came from what I observed, what I understood, and what I know from experience. I was simply trying to explain the client’s problems and make it clear that our product isn’t at fault here. I wanted to justify things professionally and represent us in the best way possible. But now, knowing she turned my words into something to laugh about… it just hurts. It makes me feel small, almost foolish, like I’ve been stripped of the little credibility I’ve worked so hard to build.

What makes it even harder is that I truly thought we had a good relationship or at least I believed we did. Every time she visits the Maldives, I’ve always been genuinely happy to see her. We laugh, we work well together, and I even make the extra effort to make her feel welcome. I thought we were on the same team. So why say those things behind my back? Is it intentional? Does she really think less of me? Or is she just trying to impress her colleagues by making me seem clueless? I can’t tell, and honestly, not knowing makes it worse.

And you know what’s ironic? If I wanted to, I could share a lot of things about her too  stories, habits, moments where she wasn’t at her best. But I don’t. I’ve always chosen to keep those things to myself out of respect. At least, I used to respect her. Now… I’m questioning that. I just wish she gave me the same courtesy I’ve always given her.

Lately, though, I’ve noticed something else eating at me. Whenever she’s here, I sometimes feel… smaller. Like my efforts are invisible. It’s as if what I’ve been doing all along suddenly doesn’t matter, simply because she can come in and do the exact same thing  and somehow, it looks more “valuable” coming from her. I’ve been brushing it off, telling myself, “This is what they want, just let it go,” but deep down, it still gets to me.

Despite all of this, I’m not angry at her. I’m just… hurt and confused. I’m trying to understand where she’s coming from, why she says and does the things she does. Maybe she doesn’t even realize how much her words affect me. Or maybe she does, and she just doesn’t care. I don’t know yet.

All I know is that this situation has left me questioning where I really stand  not just with her, but maybe even in the bigger picture of this work. It’s a strange place to be in, feeling both proud of what I’ve accomplished and yet undermined by someone I thought was an ally.

Labels: maldives, thoughts, work

More Than I Deserve? Posted at May 07, 2025 0 comments (+)

An unexpected blessing came my way, something I never imagined, not even in my wildest dreams

Lately, I’ve been struggling at work. Most days, I feel like I’m just here, doing nothing meaningful. It’s like I’m a wallflower easily overlooked, easily replaced. There are moments I doubt myself, feeling like I’m not good at what I do, not the best at anything, and lacking the qualities of a truly great employee. Honestly, I’ve felt bored, disconnected, and even resentful toward my job. I get easily irritated by people around me, and the thought of quitting, moving out, or going back to Singapore or even trying the UAE again crosses my mind more often than I’d
like to admit.

And then on the most random, ordinary day, without any warning I received a bonus. I couldn’t believe it. I mean, considering how little I feel I contribute, it almost felt undeserved. I was overwhelmed happy, yes but also confused and even a bit embarrassed. I’ve been sitting here collecting a paycheck each month, feeling like I’m not really earning it, and that doesn’t sit well with me.

I’m grateful, truly. But at the same time, I’m wrestling with a lot of mixed emotions.

Labels: job, maldives, work

How Selfish Posted at April 30, 2025 0 comments (+)

Honestly, it’s been really frustrating dealing with a colleague who keeps making things harder than they need to be especially over something that wasn’t even my responsibility to begin with. I only got involved because I’m the one communicating directly with the client, so I naturally want things to go smoothly.

I already understand how the sponsorship process works he actually explained it the other day. But honestly, that conversation should’ve happened a long time ago. I even sent an email weeks ago about the sponsorship, and he never mentioned that I needed a specific letter for documentation. Now he’s bringing it up when it’s already too late to act on it properly.

What’s tough is that I’m the one dealing with the client, and I don’t want to feel them that were ignoring them. Amila really gets under my skin sometimes he acts like he doesn’t want to help, and it comes off as selfish. I get that he doesn’t want to be too involved in the financial stuff, and that’s fine, but is it really too much to ask for a little heads-up or support?

He had the information way before I did. Things like printing the letter, getting it signed, and placing it on the right desk should really fall under his role in the accounting department. It just feels unfair to be left to figure things out last minute when it could’ve been a quick handoff if there had been better communication. 

Labels: maldives, rant, work

When Saying No Isn’t Really an Option Posted at March 07, 2025 0 comments (+)

I find it so strange when people become entitled because of their social status. When they recognize their position and superiority over others, they often disregard personal space and time. Their toxic traits are impossible to ignore. While these individuals may have the qualities of a good leader, that doesn’t justify acting entitled just because they hold power over others.

One day, my boss asked me to tag along after work to a local soccer match, just to take pictures. I didn’t mind doing it once, but of course, once wasn’t enough. Without hesitation, he asked me to come again as if I had no choice in the matter. The game was set for 11 PM, and I had to leave with them by 10 PM, just imagine how much of my time was wasted on something I wasn’t even interested in. Sure, people might argue that I could simply say no, but let’s be real intelligent people can read between the lines. When you're the boss, there's an unspoken pressure, and saying no isn’t always as easy as it seems. I just wish leadership came with more awareness. power and authority should be exercised with consideration for those below them.

Labels: experience, maldives, rant, work

Laamu Gan Posted at January 16, 2025 0 comments (+)

 A quick trip to Laamu Gan—it’s not my first time here, but every visit seems to bring a little moment of reflection. Even in such a short time, this island has a way of making me think about life. I love the beach here; it’s stunning and peaceful. Some of the locals are really kind, but I’ve also had my fair share of not-so-great experiences. I still can’t forget my first time here for work and how rude some of the hospital staff were to me.

Back then, I seriously doubted whether I could make it through life here in the Maldives. I kept second-guessing if this job was even the right fit for me. But looking at it now, it’s clear I’ve come a long way.

By the way, this trip feels unnecessary. I’m not sure why my boss tagged me along, especially since I’ve already done several training sessions at the hospital. Plus, these people have so many complaints about the product. Sometimes I really ask myself, why am I eve
n doing this? Lol.

Labels: maldives, office, work