I'm feeling incredibly lost right now.

The thought of retaking the exam is making me increasingly anxious. this failure has really taken a toll on my mental well-being. Instead of focusing on my studies like I should be, I find myself procrastinating in my room, indulging in distractions like watching porn, K-dramas, and scrolling through social media, wasting precious time.

Just a moment ago, I attempted to start studying by watching some videos from my online review center, but I was immediately overwhelmed with fear and anxiety, gripping my chest tightly. Generally, I try not to dwell on my past failure, but sometimes these feelings come rushing back, leaving me feeling utterly helpless.

I feel like I want to cry, but the tears won't come. It's like something is constricting inside me, begging to be released. I'm terrified and feeling completely powerless.

I'm holding up, but it's more of a superficial "okay." There are moments like these when all the thoughts and emotions I've been suppressing come rushing back, overwhelming me with a whirlwind of feelings I've been trying to avoid. It's like an inevitable part of being human – we all have to confront these emotions eventually, and there's no escaping it.

I just want to let it all out and cry.

Labels: feelings, thoughts

Losing friends is an inevitable and painful part of life. It's difficult to fully comprehend the loss of connection, especially when these individuals have been integral parts of our lives for so long. While some friends have become strangers and others are slowly drifting away due to the natural course of life, there are still a few with whom I share a strong bond.

I felt particularly saddened when Gerlyn and I outgrew our friendship in what seemed like an instant. One day, I realized that our connection had faded, and despite my efforts, I couldn't reach her. After a few weeks, she reappeared, but our relationship had shifted into one of casual acquaintanceship. It was a painful experience, leaving me unable to fully understand what had transpired between us.

It's been tough trying to figure out what went wrong. No more casual chats, no more deep talks, no more video calls, and definitely no more of the laughter we used to share. Gerlyn was someone I held dear since our college days.

I miss her so much. There are countless stories I want to share with her, endless rants I need to get off my chest, but now she's just another friend online, liking my posts, watching my stories, barely more than an acquaintance. Still, I'm glad to see her happy and keep up with her life through social media updates.

Sometimes I wonder if I did something to cause our drift, but maybe it's just one of those things that turn a close friendship into a distant acquaintance.

I really miss her

Labels: friendship, Gerlyn, thoughts

I'm feeling pretty lost at the moment. Physically, I'm alright, but mentally, I'm completely drained. The idea of diving back into studying is looming over me, but I can't seem to find the motivation or the starting point. It's incredibly frustrating because deep down, I know I need to get back on track, but there's this overwhelming sense of hopelessness holding me back.

Labels: thoughts

Now, I'm finally back in the Maldives. After everything that happened over the past three weeks, returning here doesn't feel any different from the challenges I've faced in recent days, especially with that lingering not-so-good feeling. I was hoping for a fresh new start, treating this comeback as the beginning of a new journey after all the setbacks, emotional turmoil, and mental exhaustion but not that the case…

As soon as I landed in the Maldives, things got a bit annoying. At the airport, the staff insisted I fill out the travel declaration again because apparently, the one I had prepared had expired. It was a bit of a hassle, but manageable. The real frustration kicked in when another staff member asked me to join the regular line instead of getting some priority.

Later, at the taxi stand, local folks were quoting sky-high fares, and to top it off, they preferred dollars over the local currency (MVR). What really got on my nerves was their pickiness in choosing passengers and turning down rides that weren't going their way. Dealing with this, which felt like a scene from Manila, left me seriously irritated.

Dealing with all these issues is seriously getting on my nerves. So, my housemate, without even asking, decides they want to switch my bunk bed with their old one. Totally unnecessary. I mean, my bunk bed is way more practical, especially because I can use the top part for storage, and let's face it, my room is not exactly spacious. And guess what? They plan to make this switch right after I come back from my holiday? Seriously, couldn't they have considered that I might be tired from traveling and not in the mood to rearrange everything in my room? This guy is beyond inconsiderate. I still remember how he left me to assemble the bunk bed by myself before, and now he's expecting me to do it all over again.

Last night, they were busy assembling their bed, blocking the toilet in the process, so I couldn't even use it. I ended up going to bed without even having a shower. Super frustrating. They just don't think things through. I'm trying to keep my cool and let it slide because stressing about it won't make things any better. It would only make things more complicated. But I swear, that guy from Bangladesh is seriously pushing my patience to the limit.

Finally, I muster up the courage to tell them I don't want their bed, and I prefer to keep my bunk bed. The look on the Bangladesh guy's face was pretty amusing, I could tell he was annoyed that I didn't take their bed. Dealing with all this—bed assembling and the toilet trouble last night—it's just adding unnecessary stress to my life.

I've been facing quite a bit of pressure lately with both the ticking clock and people around me constantly testing my patience. I'm really putting in the effort to stay cool, but there are times when I just want to throw in the towel, let my emotions take over, and deal with the aftermath later. It's just so exhausting.

And then there's this indian guy, Lab in charge, who seems to have a direct line to my time and energy whenever he feels like it. I'm all for helping out, but it's gotten to the point where it feels like he's cashing in on my kindness. I've got my own workload, personal plans, and let's face it, sometimes I just want to chill and not be bothered. Plus, he's acting like I have my own bike to zip around this supposedly small island of Maldives. Yeah, it's tiny, but not walk-everywhere tiny.

The tricky part is, I can't really say much about it. I feel like I've got to suck it up because this guy works in the hospital, and he's well aware that I might need his help. It's like he's taking advantage of the situation, and it's becoming a real struggle to handle it all.

Back at my desk in the office, I can't help but feel a bit off whenever our sales director is around. He's got this vibe, you know? On one hand, I appreciate not having to engage in small talk, which I'm not a fan of, but on the other hand, it makes me feel somewhat isolated and unimportant in the office. I’m so weird

Feeling a bit bummed, especially considering I had hoped to come back to the Maldives proudly say I got my USRN license and planning my next move. Reality check: that's not happening. Instead, I find myself stuck here, grinding away at work, and gearing up for another round of Nclex exam prep. Not exactly the post-holiday scenario I had in mind, and it's a bit of a downer but that’s what it is.

Can’t do anything about it but to stay like this and just go with the flow

Labels: maldives, office

I'm thrilled to be visiting Singapore again, this time with the opportunity to spend some leisure hours during my layovers. Although it's a bit more expensive this time, my company insisted on planning the leave just a month before my actual departure. I'll make the most of the longer hours during the layover to do a side trip right.

Despite initial hesitation, I met up with Ate Gigi, and after a bit of uncertainty, we managed to make amends. I'm happy to see her doing well, even though there's still a lingering negative vibe. Nevertheless, Ate Gigi had a significant impact on my life during my time in Singapore, and it's good to reconnect and can’t help it but to accept her, she will never change.

I hung out in AMK, enjoying local noodles at a hawker stall, had lunch at her place, and even squeezed in a nap before heading back to the airport. The bonus part? Uncle Sweety and Ate Gigi surprised me with an Ampao. I was shy at first, but it turned out to be a delightful blessing, haha!

It's a great opportunity to reconnect with Ate Gigi, share some time for conversation and gossip. I can't help but feel empathetic about the challenges she's facing—lost in this phase of life, filled with pain, anger, and personal struggles. I've suggested she ease up, return to Manila, and take a break, but she seems content in Singapore. Despite our differences, I admire her journey of determination and luck in navigating life there. While we may not always see eye to eye on choices and lifestyles, I just want her to find happiness and safety. It seems like she's reached a point in life where everything is already established, making it challenging for her to change.

Feeling a bit sad as I left. I hugged her, and I could see the sadness in her eyes. It reminded me of the day I left Singapore for Maldives three years ago. That's life. Nonetheless, thrilled to have seen her again.

On my way back to Manila from Maldives, I had an 11-hour layover in Singapore. Not bad, right? I had the opportunity to stroll around and meet up with Kuya Melvin. Seeing him again brought me so much joy. Our shallow conversations, which are a safe space for me, may not always delve into deeper topics, but from time to time, we get the chance to discuss more profound matters. Throughout my six years in Singapore, Kuya Melvin has been one of the people who made my life much easier—a good and reliable friend. Spending time with him during this layover was a great catch for me.

Guess what? He just snagged a suite at Marina Bay Sands—so fancy, right? LOL. That's what I love about him, he knows how to enjoy his vices to score a free hotel stay, and every now and then, a little casino action. He's not a big gambler, just looking to have a good time, but I always remind him to take it easy. Anyway, that stay at Marina Bay Sands was incredibly luxurious, and I was all for it. It got me daydreaming about being seriously wealthy, you know? Staying in places like that, shopping, getting whatever you want... That fantasy keeps popping up. Sometimes I can't help but wonder why I feel like I'm on a tight budget.

Hahaha, honestly, staying in a hotel like that and enjoying life feels amazing. I wish my mom could experience it too, and I dream of being able to spend time and money on her without a second thought. We strolled around Marina Bay Sands Mall, revisiting familiar places. Singapore holds a significant place in my life, and if given the chance to live there again, I'd seize it. Every time I set foot in Singapore, there's an urge inside me to return and work in that city.

Do I regret choosing Maldives over Singapore? I don't know, maybe yes or maybe no. Maldives isn't a bad country at all, and I have fond memories in both places. Yet, Singapore feels more like home to me, with its larger size and openness to anything.

Well, I suppose I've been feeling sentimental lately. Failing the exam, dealing with family issues, and the impending return to Maldives have made this moment a bit sadder than usual. Revisiting places, encountering familiar faces, and reconnecting with past memories is emotionally challenging, yet strangely fulfilling at the same time. It's a weird mix of emotions.

Labels: memories, Singapore

Right after getting the results, I was still stuck in that frustrating and sad headspace when I got home. Now, there's this whole bunch of issues hitting me – family stuff, our living situation, housing matters – it's like a pile of problems on my shoulders that I need to figure out. And honestly, it's making me feel pretty alone in all of this. The part that hurts the most? My brother. I had hoped he'd be my support, helping me lift our family up, but he's just turning out to be a big letdown.

To be fair, I consider myself fortunate to have siblings who've always been respectful towards me. While there haven't been any major issues caused by them, it's a reality check that no family is perfect, including mine. We all have our share of shortcomings, and that's perfectly okay.

I must admit, there's a bit of disappointment when it comes to my brother. Maybe I set my expectations too high for him. I've been rooting for him, believing that as the man in the family, he would take charge, especially since I'm miles away. Unfortunately, that hasn't been the case. He's let me down as his elder, contrary to the faith I had in him. All I've ever wanted for our lives is success and an improvement in our life status after completing our education. Or at least, that's what I thought.

The source of my frustration came from the mistaken belief that he had already finished his academic journey and obtained a diploma. It turns out, he didn't complete his on-the-job training on the ship, preventing him from getting the diploma, and that's the saddest part.

During our conversation, he was all nonchalant, saying he doesn't need the diploma and trying to convince me it's no big deal because his course doesn't lead to much in other careers. The whole conversation got confusing, he was gaslighting me and making me feel like I didn't get it.

All I was trying to convey was the importance of having the diploma. I'm not forcing him to pursue a specific industry. I'm just emphasizing that having a degree opens up various possibilities. I'd be more than happy for him to follow any path he wants, as long as he holds that degree. Unfortunately, he's not getting it.

This situation has left me upset and saddened as his brother. I only want the best for him. Does he think being an undergrad will make his life easier? He's too young to realize that having a diploma is crucial for securing a good job. Even those who graduated and possess diplomas face challenges in the job market, let alone those without one.

When he mentioned choosing his course to be considerate about expenses, it felt like a way of gaslighting my frustration. As far as I know, no one forced him into that course, and he doesn't have a valid reason to blame any of us. It was his choice, and he needs to take responsibility for it.

He's kinda self-centered, thinking he's the big shot head of the family. But truth be told, he doesn't give a hoot about our mom. All he did was slap together this little room for himself at home, without realizing our place is already as cramped as it gets. It never occurred to him that it made the rest of us sharing the same roof uncomfortable in our limited space back home. He's just plain selfish. I can't help but feel sorry for Mom and Tin, they're trying to squeeze into that tiny space to sleep and struggling to find a spot to rest. Witnessing them in this situation makes me realize how our life has ended up like this.

How did my brother turn out to be so thoughtless? I can't stand the words that come out of his mouth when he talks to his sisters. I hope our conversation made a difference since I had the chance to talk to him before I left.

Labels: Brother, family

I'm just so darn lucky to have friends like Dors and Mary. We haven't had tons of time to make epic memories together in recent years, but I can feel deep down how much they mean to me. Life's a bit more bearable when you've got pals who stick with you through thick and thin, you know? They've saved me in ways they probably don't even realize, and I can't thank my stars enough for having them in my life. Here's hoping our friendship lasts forever, even if our lives take different paths and lives we may lead.

Now, Mary's a gem of a friend. Her support and belief in me are like gold – absolutely priceless. I know I can count on her, and you bet I've got her back too. Through the toughest of battles, she's my ray of hope. I can shoot her a call, vent all my troubles, and spill my guts without worrying about being judged. And when the blues hit or I'm feeling low on motivation, I know she's there, cheering me on with prayers that really hit home.

Dors, too, is a precious friend. Her presence holds great significance for me, and I am grateful to know I can depend on her, much like with Mary. While our communication may not be constant, and we don't often intrude on each other's lives, she is a friend I can turn to whenever needed. It's not always about the frequency of communication, but the personal connection we share, and I am confident that Dors and I possess that enduring connection.

Now, I've got other friends on the side, and Vans is a constant reminder that unexpected friendships can be pretty awesome too. She's been a reliable source of relief for me. Venting out and discussing the struggles I've been facing here in the Maldives is like a sweet escape with her. Vans might be a bit unconventional in her life decisions, and sure, we might not see eye to eye on everything, but that's what makes her a real, vulnerable human being. She needs someone like me to remind her of what I think is right. I'm not perfect, but I want the best for her, as any friend should.

For me, Vans might not be perfect, but she means a lot to me. I hope our friendship stands the test of time. Sure, there are those moments when I feel a bit frustrated, like when she forgets about the money she owes me. But hey, communication is key. I should just ask her about it, and there's nothing to be scared of. Getting to know the person beyond those unwanted thoughts is way better than jumping to conclusions and making things complicated and that’s the greatest lesson for me.

And then there's Athena, my distant soulmate. I believe friendships can have their own soulmates too, right? We've been best friends for ages, and it's one of the most incredible things in my life. Recently, our deeper conversations have made me realize that we're both growing older. The depth of setbacks we've faced in our lives goes beyond what we could have imagined. It's definitely not the smoothest journey, but it's also not as rough as what some people have experienced but lately it bonded us in most matured way. She's changed a lot from the person I knew a few years ago. Life threw some challenges her way, and it's been eye-opening to see just how strong she is. I'll admit, I used to misjudge her but definitely rooting for her since day 1. You know, when you're close to someone, doubts can pop up, and I had my fair share about her. But seeing Athena tackle life head-on, it made me realize people can surprise you, just like she did. Sure, I know her, but there's always more to someone than meets the eye. Her personal growth, unfolding right under my nose, is something I find truly admirable and makes me so proud of her.

These people, They're a huge part of my life. You know, I've had my fair share of friends who just kind of faded away. It's a bit of a bummer how someone you used to know can just poof, disappear. Sad, but hey, that's the real deal, right? People come and go. But right now, I'm just really thankful for all the memories I've made with these awesome folks.

Labels: friends, friendships