Iamsuperhuman

Tuesday, October 24, 2023

It's been a while, and a lot has transpired over the past two years. Posted at October 24, 2023 0 comments (+)

Hello future self, it's been a while, hasn't it? So many things have happened over the past years and months. I've lost track of writing and documenting, and consistency has been a struggle. This applies to my goals, my emotions, and all the events in my life. I've never been so inconsistent, and sometimes I regret not doaing what I should have done.

I've been working on moving to Poland sometimes last 2022, and unfortunately, things didn't go as planned. My work visa application got rejected, and it was quite a setback. I had to spend some time in India for it, which was a bit disheartening, especially considering the significant amount of money I invested in the process. It felt like a substantial loss, especially since earning that money was no walk in the park. But I guess that's just part of life's lessons. On the bright side, I had the chance to spend a whole month in India, specifically in New Delhi, and it turned out to be an incredible experience, even without the visa. I had so many amazing moments there, and looking back, I do regret not documenting them in real-time

India is truly a remarkable place, and my time there was filled with eye-opening experiences. I gained a deep understanding of how life in India differs from the Philippines, from the culture and food to the overall atmosphere. It's hard to put into words the personal impact it had on me. If I may share my honest perspective, I noticed that India might not be as clean as some other places I've seen. I say this with no intention to disrespect; it's just an observation from my journey. Moreover, I've got to say that Indians are some of the friendliest people I've ever encountered.

Then my life had to move forward, and I had planned to take the NCLEX exam. It's been a rollercoaster journey for me, a real tough one. I had to juggle studying and working simultaneously. In the last quarter of 2022, we had to convert the IGMH for S-Monovette, and my exam date was getting closer. I found it extremely challenging to stay motivated for my review because I was struggling with feelings of laziness, fatigue, lack of focus, and demotivation. I’m guilty

To be honest, there has been a lot of pressure weighing on my shoulders. Taking the exam with Mary has added even more pressure. I value her friendship and appreciate sharing this journey with her, but there are moments when it feels like a heavy burden on my heart. Then came the exam date...

I failed …

I felt really down about myself, and deep down, I know I didn't give it my best. Accepting this failure is a necessary part of coping. It's truly an awful feeling, but I can't blame anyone else but myself. I can only confide in a few close friends about this, as my family is unaware of it. I was initially hesitant to share, hoping to reveal my success when it came, but it didn't turn out that way.

But Mary just aced the exam, and I'm genuinely thrilled for her. But, at the same time, I can't escape feeling sorry for her because she couldn't fully enjoy her success because of my failure. I feel like I've disappointed her, and that's a source of deep shame. It's the reason I kept my journey to myself; I didn't want this outcome to overshadow everything. I know it might come off as pessimistic, but that's the reality of it, you know? Hays that life…

The good thing is I’m able to be back in Manila for so long, it’s been 3 years since the last time I went back home and now I spend some quality time with my family. I've missed them, even though I tend to prefer solitude most of the time. I guess It's nice to have them around, especially my niece, nephew, mom, sisters, brother, and brother-in-law. However, one thing I dislike is being around people who assume I have a lot of money in my bank account. It makes it difficult to plan getaways with my family without considering those assumptions. Sometimes, I wish we lived in a place far away from our relatives lol and this thing made me think not to go back home. Yeah human relationship is way complex as it is.

So many events have transpired recently. I found myself in a somewhat hazy afternoon, in the middle of nowhere, deep in contemplation about my life choices. I'm more optimistic now compared to a few years ago, but there are still times when my life feels stagnant. I've made choices in life that I initially regretted, but I've learned to be grateful for the experiences. I might have lost something along the way, such as time, effort, money, and momentum, but I've come to accept that as part of life. I can't dwell too much on the challenging parts of my life because it serves me no purpose. Prolonged sadness will only make me feel even worse.

I'm not perfect, and I can't help but be concerned about the uncertainties that lie ahead. Nevertheless, I believe I will be alright, or at least I hope so.

Labels: experience, Journal, life