Hey, I’m 36 now.

I’ve never really been big on birthdays. I don’t usually celebrate them, and I’ve never felt particularly special about them. I do have a few fond birthday memories mostly ones I spent with people I truly cared about but an actual birthday party? I honestly haven’t had one since I turned seven.

Life is complicated. It’s unfair, unpredictable, and no one really gets to choose the life they end up with. Some people are lucky enough to have what others spend their whole lives wishing for. As for me, I’m tired of chasing things. Sure, there are moments when I want something more or something better, but most of the time I feel like… it’s okay. I’ll just do what I need to do.

I’m learning to go with the flow, to let go of the things I can’t control, and to stop stressing over what’s out of my hands.

I’m actually content with where I am right now. I have my own rented place, I can buy the things I want, eat what I’m craving, and I even have time to just be lazy sometimes. I have a job that pays me well (I think), even though my bank account back in Manila is completely depleted LOL.

Still, I don’t really know where I am in life. I feel okay, but I also feel lost. There are things I want to do, plans I think about, but I don’t feel ready to act on them yet. I feel like I’m waiting for the right opportunity, something better but at the same time, I’m unsure about everything, especially with what’s happening in the world right now.

It feels like my life is moving inside its own bubble. In some ways, I feel stuck… but at the same time, I’m constantly moving just going in circles, not really getting anywhere.

I have so many rants in my head about work, about people who get under my skin, and about a friend I once tried to cut off because I felt taken for granted. But the truth is, I don’t really want to let this person go. They matter to me. They’ve been part of my journey, and that means something, even when things aren’t perfect.

I carry this quiet fear that some of my secrets might come out one day, that people will judge me for things they don’t fully understand. At this age, I sometimes feel like I’m behind. I see people I know who have moved on with their lives, and it feels like they’re doing better than me, living fuller or more settled lives.

And here I go again reflecting, comparing my life to others. I know it’s not healthy, and I know I shouldn’t do it, but sometimes I can’t help it. Most days, I don’t care at all. But every now and then, those thoughts show up, and I let them linger a little longer than I should.

Maybe the realization is that I’m not lost I’m just in between.

In between who I used to be and who I’m slowly becoming. Feeling content and feeling uncertain can exist at the same time. I can have stability, comfort, and independence, and still question where my life is headed. That doesn’t mean I’m behind. it just means I’m aware. Awareness often feels like restlessness before it turns into clarity.

Labels: birthday, life, realization

The ocean surprised me. Swimming with nurse sharks, watching stingrays move so calmly, standing on the sandbank it all felt unreal. The sea is massive, endless, and it made my worries feel smaller for a while. When I was snorkeling, it felt like stepping into another world, something quiet and alive beneath the surface, like Avatar, but real. I realized how rarely I allow myself to feel wonder anymore.

There was something about being in the water that felt like a reset. My body moved without thinking too much, like it remembered something my mind forgot. I felt close to something I don’t fully understand nature, life, maybe myself. It scared me a little, but it also made me feel safe. I think that’s why I keep going back to the ocean. I should probably learn how to swim, not just float through things.

What stayed with me most was the feeling of being present. No comparing, no planning, no noise. Just breathing, floating, existing. Moments like that make me realize how tired I’ve been not just physically, but emotionally. I’ve been carrying a lot quietly.

Labels: island, maldives, realization

Today I got some news from Gladys, and I’ve been thinking about it the whole day. She told me that Azard and Mr. Sameer will probably be the ones sent to Switzerland or Denmark for the Tempus training. And honestly… I didn’t know what to feel at first. My brain kinda froze for a second.

Part of me wasn’t surprised. I mean, I already expected that I might not be the one they’d choose since I’m not an engineer. But when Gladys asked me if Mr. Sameer was an engineer and I said no, I had to laugh like, so why is it such a big deal when it comes to me, right? It made me feel a little weird. I can’t lie, the moment she said it, something inside me sank a bit.

I’m the product specialist for Sarstedt, and sometimes I feel like that should count for something. Even if I’m not an engineer, I still handle the product, the clients, the whole follow-up. So yeah… it felt a bit like a slap in the face that they didn’t even consider me. It’s like being indirectly told that I’m not “worth sending,” you know? That kind of quiet invalidation stings in a way that’s hard to explain.

But then there’s the other side of me  the tired, realistic, older version of myself that was actually relieved. I’m in that phase in life where extra work doesn’t excite me anymore. Sometimes it even irritates me, and I hate that it does, but it’s just where I am right now. So the idea of not having to take on one more training, one more responsibility… honestly that part of me felt okay. Like, “Good. Less stress. Keep my salary, keep my peace.”

Still… I can’t pretend there isn’t a part of me dreaming a little. Because who wouldn’t want to go to Switzerland or Denmark, right? Those are places I don’t think I’d ever get to visit easily on my own. Opportunities like this don’t come often, and a small part of me was hoping maybe this time it would be me. Not even for the training but just the experience, the feeling of going somewhere new, somewhere I never imagined I’d step foot in.

And that’s where the conflict is. I’m okay with not being chosen, but I’m also sad about it in a way I didn’t expect. It’s like feeling two emotions at the same time  calm and disappointed. Mature and insecure. Content but also questioning my worth. I guess that’s normal, right? Or maybe I’m just overthinking again, as usual.

I keep asking myself if feeling invalidated is reasonable or if I’m just being dramatic. But maybe both can be true. Maybe it’s valid to feel this way and still know that life goes on.

So yeah, that’s where my head is at today. A little confused, a little hurt, a little relieved… just a whole mix of emotions. Life is funny like that,

 

Labels: emotions, maldives, office, rant

My colleague seems so obsessed with my face. I honestly don’t get it. Like, why do my pimple marks bother him so much? Every time we talk or have any kind of interaction, he somehow manages to bring up how “bad” my skin looks. LOL. Should I feel offended? Well… it depends on my mood. But most of the time, yeah, I am because obviously, I know what my face looks like. It’s my skin, my body. He acts like I’m not aware of it but trust me, I am. Probably even more than he is.

He keeps recommending products or remedies like I’ve never tried anything before. Little does he know how many skin care routines, treatments, and home remedies I’ve gone through over the years. He has no idea.

What really pisses me off is the way he talks as if I’m dirty or clueless. Maybe it’s just me, but that’s how it comes across. His “concern” feels more like judgment. He’s lucky to have clear skin, that’s all I can say.

Having this whole internal conversation with myself feels so absurd like, why am I even letting this petty thing bother me? But honestly, this guy is really getting under my skin. If I could avoid him, I absolutely would.

He’s actually a nice guy in general, maybe just a little too curious about me and my face. But come on, he’s a grown man some things just shouldn’t be talked about so casually, especially when it’s about someone else’s appearance. I mean, you can comment, sure, but at least do it in a way that doesn’t make the other person feel offended or small.

And the funny part? My skin isn’t even that bad anymore. It’s so much better than it used to be. But every time he points something out about it, it just ruins my mood sometimes even my whole day. It’s exhausting when someone keeps reminding you of the one thing you’ve already made peace with.

Why are some people so dumb that they can’t even be nice sometimes? I’m always trying to be kind to them, and they still manage to surprise me.

Labels: rant, skin

As September ends, I can’t help but sit with so many tangled thoughts about life. If there’s one thing this month has shown me, it’s how unfair and complicated life can really be. There are struggles I carry quietly, wishes I hold deep inside that make me wonder if I’ll ever become the person I imagine myself to be. Sometimes, it leaves me feeling lost like I’m wandering without a clear direction.

There’s a strange tension I carry: being grateful for everything I have, while still longing for something I can’t always name. I see the people around me their imperfections, their flaws and still, I cherish them, because they remind me what it means to love, to belong, and to stay grounded. At the same time, I feel the restless pull inside me, the hunger for something beyond what I already know, the desire to step into the person I’m meant to become without fear.

This month has reminded me that it’s okay to hold all of these truths at the same time. Life can feel unfair, confusing, and heavy. But it can also be breathtakingly beautiful, generous, and full of blessings. My journey may not be about erasing pain or avoiding fear it’s about learning to move through it. It’s about dreaming big while staying grounded, embracing my fears but holding onto faith, and never forgetting to be grateful, even while I continue longing for more.

And maybe that’s the point: to live fully, even with the contradictions, the anger, the doubts, and the hope. To break free from what has held me, to rise into the life I’m quietly learning I’m capable of living, and to do it with both courage and grace.

Labels: life, reflection

Hi there,

I never really talk to anyone back home about how I feel when I’m there, being in the place I grew up. It makes me feel both sad and nostalgic. I also met some of my friends and saw how their lives have changed for the better. Hearing their stories, including the struggles and setbacks they went through, was truly inspiring.

Life really feels like a series of phases. The quality of life changes over the years, and I noticed that my own life has shifted in ways I never fully realized until now. I feel sad, but at the same time I’m proud of myself. I’m grateful that I have managed to overcome challenges, and I feel lucky that I have changed for the better in some ways. Even though I can’t quite put my finger on the sadness I feel, I know where it comes from.

I think the sadness I felt came from looking back and realizing that my life hasn’t changed in the way I had hoped. There’s frustration and disappointment, especially toward the people I once expected would help me build a better life.

Even now, I carry disappointment toward my brother. I see how selfish he can be, and it hurts because I thought he would at least help me establish a more stable life for our family, something better than the situation we’ve been in. Instead, he didn’t finish his studies, though now he’s trying again to take up his degree while working at the same time. On the surface, that seems like progress, but what adds to my frustration is the life he has chosen for himself.

He lives in our small house in Manila with his girlfriend, taking up space without really contributing to the household expenses or easing the burden on my mom. The stress at home only grew because of that. It upsets me to see him focusing on his own comfort while our family struggles, when he could be stepping up more. It’s not just about money or space, but about responsibility and the willingness to support each other.

This has been weighing heavily on me because family means so much, and I had hoped he would play a bigger part in helping us all move toward a better life. Instead, I’m left feeling let down, even if I try to understand where he is in his journey. I don’t have the courage to talk to him about it, and honestly, I don’t feel the urge to. A part of me believes he should already know what I feel. He should see for himself the kind of life we have now, because our situation at home has hardly changed over the years. It’s as if nothing has moved forward, and that in itself is disheartening.

Sometimes I wonder if he chooses not to notice, or if he convinces himself that things are fine the way they are. But deep down, I can’t help thinking that he should be aware of the struggles we continue to face. He grew up in the same house, with the same challenges, so how can he not see?

When I’m home, I truly love being there. But at the same time, seeing the house I grew up in brings mixed emotions. There’s so much clutter, so many things that I just want to throw away to make the place feel tidier and lighter. Yet I know that no matter how much I want to change it, I can’t transform the house into the kind of home I dream of.

That frustration stays with me the longing for a better place for my family, somewhere more comfortable and peaceful. Even while I’m grateful to be back in the place that shaped me, the thought of wanting something better for all of us keeps lingering in my heart.

I honestly don’t know what to feel sometimes. Life has been unique, complicated, and at times even simple which sounds a bit contradictory, I know. Hehe. But despite all the struggles and the hard times, there are moments when I feel incredibly lucky.

When I stop and think about what I can do now, it reminds me that my life isn’t as bad as I sometimes make it out to be. It’s not perfect, and it’s not exactly the life I once imagined for myself, but I’ve reached a point where I can appreciate the things I’m able to do.

I can travel to places I’ve always wanted to see. I can spend a little on the things that bring me joy. I can share what I have with the people I love paying bills, treating them, and giving back in ways that make me feel proud. These simple things remind me that, even though my journey hasn’t been easy, it has given me strength and the capacity to live a life that still holds meaning.

Hay, I realize now how fast time has been moving. It feels like just the other day I was in Manila, then suddenly yesterday I found myself in Singapore walking and eating around, buying little things on the streets, and spending time with good friend in places I once called home. And then, just the other week, I was in Hong Kong, wandering around the city and enjoying good moments with friends there too.

Everything happened so fast, almost like in a blink. But every place I went to had its own memories and its own meaning for me. Being in those familiar spots with the people I care about made me realize how precious time really is, and how life just keeps going even when I feel like I’m still trying to catch up.

And besides, being in the moment really matters. Life and time move faster than we think, especially when we’re in places where we know we won’t be staying for long. That’s why it’s so important to just be present and appreciate what’s in front of us. I know I need to practice that more for myself.

This home visit made me realize how much more I appreciate my sisters now compared to before. I feel like I can depend on them in some ways. They may not have much to offer, but I truly value the way they treat me. I was never as close to them as I was to my friends, but I guess that’s just how my relationship with my siblings has always been complicated and unconventional. Still, I genuinely care about them, and if I could do more to give us all a better life together, I would do it without hesitation.

My mom is still the same, but she’s getting older, and thinking about that brings a heaviness in my chest. I love her so much, even though there are times I resent some of the habits she carried through life, habits we can’t really change anymore. That frustration stays with me the deep desire to give her a better life, a more comfortable and stress-free life. But the painful truth is that I haven’t been able to do that yet. And what scares me the most is the thought that I might not be able to give her that in her lifetime.

There were so many realizations during this home visit. I saw how quickly money can disappear, how some relatives can be ungrateful for the things I give, and how they keep asking for more. On top of that, there’s the subtle comparison of my life to other people’s, which can feel so draining.

Sometimes, all of this makes me think that maybe I don’t even want to go home. It’s hard when the place that’s supposed to bring comfort also carries so much pressure and expectation.

Looking back on this trip and these home visits, I realize how much life has taught me about patience, gratitude, and perspective. It hasn’t been easy, and there’s still so much I wish I could change for my family and myself. But even in the frustration, disappointment, and sadness, I see growth in myself. I see the strength I’ve built, the love I carry, and the small joys I can create along the way.

Life isn’t perfect, and my family isn’t perfect either, but these experiences remind me to be present, to appreciate the moments I have, and to keep trying to build a better life for myself and the people I love. One step at a time, I hope to turn these reflections into actions, and carry these lessons forward with care and compassion.

Labels: friendsships, life, Philippines

 Hi Journal,

I keep replaying our conversations during the field visits in my head, trying to recall every single detail. I honestly believe I didn’t say anything wrong. Everything I shared came from what I observed, what I understood, and what I know from experience. I was simply trying to explain the client’s problems and make it clear that our product isn’t at fault here. I wanted to justify things professionally and represent us in the best way possible. But now, knowing she turned my words into something to laugh about… it just hurts. It makes me feel small, almost foolish, like I’ve been stripped of the little credibility I’ve worked so hard to build.

What makes it even harder is that I truly thought we had a good relationship or at least I believed we did. Every time she visits the Maldives, I’ve always been genuinely happy to see her. We laugh, we work well together, and I even make the extra effort to make her feel welcome. I thought we were on the same team. So why say those things behind my back? Is it intentional? Does she really think less of me? Or is she just trying to impress her colleagues by making me seem clueless? I can’t tell, and honestly, not knowing makes it worse.

And you know what’s ironic? If I wanted to, I could share a lot of things about her too  stories, habits, moments where she wasn’t at her best. But I don’t. I’ve always chosen to keep those things to myself out of respect. At least, I used to respect her. Now… I’m questioning that. I just wish she gave me the same courtesy I’ve always given her.

Lately, though, I’ve noticed something else eating at me. Whenever she’s here, I sometimes feel… smaller. Like my efforts are invisible. It’s as if what I’ve been doing all along suddenly doesn’t matter, simply because she can come in and do the exact same thing  and somehow, it looks more “valuable” coming from her. I’ve been brushing it off, telling myself, “This is what they want, just let it go,” but deep down, it still gets to me.

Despite all of this, I’m not angry at her. I’m just… hurt and confused. I’m trying to understand where she’s coming from, why she says and does the things she does. Maybe she doesn’t even realize how much her words affect me. Or maybe she does, and she just doesn’t care. I don’t know yet.

All I know is that this situation has left me questioning where I really stand  not just with her, but maybe even in the bigger picture of this work. It’s a strange place to be in, feeling both proud of what I’ve accomplished and yet undermined by someone I thought was an ally.

Labels: maldives, thoughts, work