It’s easy for me to say, “next time, I won’t let people use me,” or that I’ll stop helping just out of pure kindness. But when I’m actually in that situation, it’s a completely different story. I struggle so much to say no. Even when I know I don’t owe anyone an explanation, I still find myself trying to justify it  almost like I need to prove that I’m struggling too.

Money is the hardest part. When someone asks to borrow, even if I know it will mess up my own budget, I still end up saying yes. And it’s not like it’s easy for me to let go of that money I worked hard for it, I sacrificed for it. But somehow, I still give in. That’s what frustrates me the most… I say all these things about setting boun
daries, but when the moment comes, I do the exact opposite.

Sometimes I even go as far as making long explanations or small lies, just to soften the “no” or reduce the amount I lend. Instead of simply saying, “Sorry, I can’t this time,” I carry this unnecessary guilt, like I’m doing something wrong for protecting myself.

It makes me feel selfish for even thinking that way, but at the same time, I’m exhausted. I’m tired of always being the one who helps, the one who gives, and somehow ends up being taken for granted. My intentions are genuine, but it feels like people don’t see that they just see someone they can rely on too easily, someone who won’t say no.

Like my cousin… she owes me so much, to the point where I don’t even expect her to pay me back anymore. A part of me still hopes she will, but realistically, I know her situation and deep down, I feel like it’s never going to happen. Realizing how much I’ve given her was a wake-up call for me. It made me step back, create distance, and start being more mindful of my choices.

And for the first time, I didn’t feel like a bad person for doing that. I realized that I’ve already done more than enough. It’s not my responsibility to always be the one she turns to, especially when she hasn’t made any effort to repay or even acknowledge what I’ve done.

And there are people who seem to value me because I can lend them money. It makes me wonder, what happens if I can’t anymore? Will they still treat me the same way? Will they still be kind to me, or will everything change?

I don’t even know the answer, and that’s what bothers me. These thoughts make me feel judgmental, like I’m questioning people’s intentions too much. But at the same time, I think it comes from how much I care about what people think of me. I want to be liked, I want to be seen as someone dependable, someone good. I guess that’s where my people-pleasing comes from.

The hard part is that I’m always thinking ahead about how people might react. If I say no, will they get upset? Will they think I’ve changed? Will they talk about me? Those thoughts keep running in my head, and before I know it, I’ve already said yes just to avoid all of that.

I know it’s not healthy, but it feels so automatic. I don’t even give myself the chance to choose what’s actually right for me, because I’m too focused on how others might feel or what they might say. And I’m starting to realize that as long as I keep living like this, I’ll always end up putting myself last.

I’ve been through so much just from having nothing before, and it really stays with me. That feeling of being broke, of not knowing how you’ll get through things, it’s something I never want to experience again. So now, I’m very conscious about money. I plan, I save, I make sure I don’t put myself back in that situation.

That’s why it’s hard for me to understand how some people can live paycheck to paycheck without even trying to set something aside. I know everyone’s situation is different, but sometimes it just doesn’t make sense to me. Like this one person I know, he spends on things back home, buys whatever he wants, like condo and car (what he told me), and then comes back here with nothing. Then suddenly, he’s asking me to lend him money because he’s already out of budget.

And what makes it worse is the way they handle it. They promise to pay you back, give you a date, and then when that date comes, nothing. Not even a message. Not even basic respect. I even greeted him during the holidays, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, and he couldn’t even respond. But the moment I followed up about the money he owed me, that’s the only time I heard from him.

It just makes me see things differently. The way I treat people versus how some people treat me doesn’t match at all. I show up with sincerity, with respect, with real intention to help. But for some of them, it feels like I’m only remembered when they need something.

And honestly, that realization hurts more than the money itself. It makes me question whether they value me as a person, or if they just see me as someone they can rely on when things go wrong on their end.

I’m always willing to help, but only within reason. I just hope people understand that I’m not rich. I don’t come from generational wealth, and I’m not someone who can just give money without thinking twice. I’m just a regular person who learned, the hard way, how important it is to value money.

I try to find a balance. I don’t want to be someone who saves so much that I forget to actually live and enjoy what I’ve worked for. But at the same time, I refuse to go back to a place where I feel helpless and broke again. That fear is always there, quietly reminding me to be careful.

What makes it difficult is when people don’t see that side of me. They don’t see the discipline, the sacrifices, or the anxiety behind every decision I make with money. They just see someone who can help. And sometimes it feels like they assume I’ll always say yes, without realizing that every “yes” comes with a cost on my end too.

I don’t mind helping. I just want it to be mutual in respect, in understanding, and in awareness that I’m doing what I can, not what they expect.

Labels: friends, money, thoughts

Hi there,

I haven’t really written down my thoughts since the year began. 2026 has been… something else, not just for me but for a lot of people, I think. There’s so much going on in the world, and at the same time, so much happening in my own life. Lately, I just haven’t had the energy or even the desire to sit down and process everything. I feel lazy sometimes, but honestly, it’s more like I’m just not in the right headspace to do anything at all.

It’s hard to admit, but it feels like I failed, and in some way, we all failed as a family. Even writing that down makes me cringe. Thinking about it too much just makes it worse, but it’s the truth I keep coming back to. As the eldest, I carry this weight, and one of the things that hurts me the most is my brother.

I’ve already expressed how disappointed I am, but the feeling doesn’t go away. I don’t understand how he became the person he is now, the way he thinks, the way he talks, and how he treats everyone at home. It feels like he lacks empathy, understanding, and even basic respect. Seeing how he treats our siblings, how he treats me… it really gets to me. It’s painful and honestly exhausting.

I keep asking myself what went wrong, what’s going on in his mind, and why he sees things the way he does. Every argument, every conversation just ends up reinforcing this feeling that he sees himself as the victim in all of this family drama. And I don’t understand that at all. He’s in a position where he doesn’t have the same responsibilities as the rest of us, he’s free to focus on himself, yet he still feels alone.

That’s the part that confuses me the most. How can someone feel so alone when they’re not actually alone? When there are people around who still care, who are still trying?

And I feel like he’s become overly insensitive to our situation. Our house isn’t exactly an ideal place to live in. it’s small, cluttered, and honestly, there’s barely any space to properly rest. Even when I came back home from overseas, I struggled to adjust, but I tried to understand because… what else can I really do?

But him, it’s like he just does whatever he wants without thinking about anyone else. He decided to create his own small room for himself, carving out space as if he’s the only one who needs it, while everyone else is still struggling. What hurts me the most is seeing my sister, she’s been dealing with such a terrible sleeping situation, yet it feels like she’s the one being overlooked.

And then there’s my mom. The way she treats him compared to my sister and even to me it’s hard not to notice the difference. It feels unfair. It feels like no matter what I do, even if I’m the one trying to provide and hold things together, I don’t really have a voice in that house. Like my words don’t carry any weight. No one really listens. Sometimes it feels like my mom chooses not to see what’s happening, like she’s just… tone-deaf to it all.

And I hate to admit it, but I’ve been feeling envious. I wish I had a better place to come home to, my own space, my own house, somewhere I can just breathe and feel at peace. But what can I do when I don’t have the means yet? That thought alone is frustrating. It makes me question myself, makes me feel like maybe I’m not capable of achieving the things that some of my peers already have.

And that feeling… it just sits with me.

Imagine this I’ve been working overseas for nearly 13 years now. And yes, my life has definitely changed for the better compared to before. I’ve grown, I’ve experienced things I never thought I would, and I’ve been able to provide in ways I once couldn’t.

But at the same time, there are parts of my life that haven’t changed at all. And that’s the part that feels so strange to me.

At this point in my life, all I really want is something better, something more stable, more peaceful. I’ve been thinking, planning, hoping that eventually I’ll get there. I understand that life isn’t the same for everyone, and we all move at different paces. Not everyone’s story turns out the same way, just like mine didn’t.

But I can’t help feeling that it’s unfair sometimes especially when it comes to my family.

That feeling just keeps growing. It’s like no matter how much I’ve sacrificed, how many years I’ve spent away, how much effort I’ve put in… it still doesn’t feel like it’s enough. And maybe what hurts the most is that people don’t even try to see it from my perspective. They don’t see the weight of it, the things I had to give up, or the reasons behind everything I do.

It’s exhausting, carrying all of that and still feeling unseen.

And I think that’s what really gets to me not just the situation itself, but the feeling that everything I’ve done is somehow invisible.

I have so many things I want to say so much frustration built up inside me. But at the same time, I don’t always want to think about it too much. Still, my mind keeps going back to these, same thoughts and situations, over and over again, and it just makes me feel sad.

Social media doesn’t help either. If anything, it makes everything feel worse. I end up comparing, overthinking, and feeling even more down. I know I shouldn’t let it affect me like that, and part of me tries not to but even when my heart wants to ignore it, my mind just won’t stop going there.

And that’s the exhausting part… not being able to turn it off.

Labels: family, life, ofw, thoughts

I don’t feel like working, to be honest. I’m just pushing myself because I have to. Life here in the Maldives feels so boring sometimes. Every day carries this heavy sense of monotony.

There are days when I find myself wondering what my life would have been like if I hadn’t left Singapore. Would it have been any different? But then again, when I was there, I often felt the same way. Still, I deeply miss that place and the life I had there.

I just realized it’s been five years since I moved to the Maldives. It’s always felt like a roller coaster ride. Even though I’ve struggled with boredom and the laid-back pace of life here, when I look at it from different perspectives, my life has actually been quite eventful. Maybe it’s just my chaotic mind that makes everything feel heavier than it is.

It might sound ungrateful, but deep in my heart, I am truly thankful...

Labels: random thoughts

 Hey, I’m 36 now.

I’ve never really been big on birthdays. I don’t usually celebrate them, and I’ve never felt particularly special about them. I do have a few fond birthday memories mostly ones I spent with people I truly cared about but an actual birthday party? I honestly haven’t had one since I turned seven.

Life is complicated. It’s unfair, unpredictable, and no one really gets to choose the life they end up with. Some people are lucky enough to have what others spend their whole lives wishing for. As for me, I’m tired of chasing things. Sure, there are moments when I want something more or something better, but most of the time I feel like… it’s okay. I’ll just do what I need to do.

I’m learning to go with the flow, to let go of the things I can’t control, and to stop stressing over what’s out of my hands.

I’m actually content with where I am right now. I have my own rented place, I can buy the things I want, eat what I’m craving, and I even have time to just be lazy sometimes. I have a job that pays me well (I think), even though my bank account back in Manila is completely depleted LOL.

Still, I don’t really know where I am in life. I feel okay, but I also feel lost. There are things I want to do, plans I think about, but I don’t feel ready to act on them yet. I feel like I’m waiting for the right opportunity, something better but at the same time, I’m unsure about everything, especially with what’s happening in the world right now.

It feels like my life is moving inside its own bubble. In some ways, I feel stuck… but at the same time, I’m constantly moving just going in circles, not really getting anywhere.

I have so many rants in my head about work, about people who get under my skin, and about a friend I once tried to cut off because I felt taken for granted. But the truth is, I don’t really want to let this person go. They matter to me. They’ve been part of my journey, and that means something, even when things aren’t perfect.

I carry this quiet fear that some of my secrets might come out one day, that people will judge me for things they don’t fully understand. At this age, I sometimes feel like I’m behind. I see people I know who have moved on with their lives, and it feels like they’re doing better than me, living fuller or more settled lives.

And here I go again reflecting, comparing my life to others. I know it’s not healthy, and I know I shouldn’t do it, but sometimes I can’t help it. Most days, I don’t care at all. But every now and then, those thoughts show up, and I let them linger a little longer than I should.

Maybe the realization is that I’m not lost I’m just in between.

In between who I used to be and who I’m slowly becoming. Feeling content and feeling uncertain can exist at the same time. I can have stability, comfort, and independence, and still question where my life is headed. That doesn’t mean I’m behind. it just means I’m aware. Awareness often feels like restlessness before it turns into clarity.

Labels: birthday, life, realization

The ocean surprised me. Swimming with nurse sharks, watching stingrays move so calmly, standing on the sandbank it all felt unreal. The sea is massive, endless, and it made my worries feel smaller for a while. When I was snorkeling, it felt like stepping into another world, something quiet and alive beneath the surface, like Avatar, but real. I realized how rarely I allow myself to feel wonder anymore.

There was something about being in the water that felt like a reset. My body moved without thinking too much, like it remembered something my mind forgot. I felt close to something I don’t fully understand nature, life, maybe myself. It scared me a little, but it also made me feel safe. I think that’s why I keep going back to the ocean. I should probably learn how to swim, not just float through things.

What stayed with me most was the feeling of being present. No comparing, no planning, no noise. Just breathing, floating, existing. Moments like that make me realize how tired I’ve been not just physically, but emotionally. I’ve been carrying a lot quietly.

Labels: island, maldives, realization

Today I got some news from Gladys, and I’ve been thinking about it the whole day. She told me that Azard and Mr. Sameer will probably be the ones sent to Switzerland or Denmark for the Tempus training. And honestly… I didn’t know what to feel at first. My brain kinda froze for a second.

Part of me wasn’t surprised. I mean, I already expected that I might not be the one they’d choose since I’m not an engineer. But when Gladys asked me if Mr. Sameer was an engineer and I said no, I had to laugh like, so why is it such a big deal when it comes to me, right? It made me feel a little weird. I can’t lie, the moment she said it, something inside me sank a bit.

I’m the product specialist for Sarstedt, and sometimes I feel like that should count for something. Even if I’m not an engineer, I still handle the product, the clients, the whole follow-up. So yeah… it felt a bit like a slap in the face that they didn’t even consider me. It’s like being indirectly told that I’m not “worth sending,” you know? That kind of quiet invalidation stings in a way that’s hard to explain.

But then there’s the other side of me  the tired, realistic, older version of myself that was actually relieved. I’m in that phase in life where extra work doesn’t excite me anymore. Sometimes it even irritates me, and I hate that it does, but it’s just where I am right now. So the idea of not having to take on one more training, one more responsibility… honestly that part of me felt okay. Like, “Good. Less stress. Keep my salary, keep my peace.”

Still… I can’t pretend there isn’t a part of me dreaming a little. Because who wouldn’t want to go to Switzerland or Denmark, right? Those are places I don’t think I’d ever get to visit easily on my own. Opportunities like this don’t come often, and a small part of me was hoping maybe this time it would be me. Not even for the training but just the experience, the feeling of going somewhere new, somewhere I never imagined I’d step foot in.

And that’s where the conflict is. I’m okay with not being chosen, but I’m also sad about it in a way I didn’t expect. It’s like feeling two emotions at the same time  calm and disappointed. Mature and insecure. Content but also questioning my worth. I guess that’s normal, right? Or maybe I’m just overthinking again, as usual.

I keep asking myself if feeling invalidated is reasonable or if I’m just being dramatic. But maybe both can be true. Maybe it’s valid to feel this way and still know that life goes on.

So yeah, that’s where my head is at today. A little confused, a little hurt, a little relieved… just a whole mix of emotions. Life is funny like that,

 

Labels: emotions, maldives, office, rant

My colleague seems so obsessed with my face. I honestly don’t get it. Like, why do my pimple marks bother him so much? Every time we talk or have any kind of interaction, he somehow manages to bring up how “bad” my skin looks. LOL. Should I feel offended? Well… it depends on my mood. But most of the time, yeah, I am because obviously, I know what my face looks like. It’s my skin, my body. He acts like I’m not aware of it but trust me, I am. Probably even more than he is.

He keeps recommending products or remedies like I’ve never tried anything before. Little does he know how many skin care routines, treatments, and home remedies I’ve gone through over the years. He has no idea.

What really pisses me off is the way he talks as if I’m dirty or clueless. Maybe it’s just me, but that’s how it comes across. His “concern” feels more like judgment. He’s lucky to have clear skin, that’s all I can say.

Having this whole internal conversation with myself feels so absurd like, why am I even letting this petty thing bother me? But honestly, this guy is really getting under my skin. If I could avoid him, I absolutely would.

He’s actually a nice guy in general, maybe just a little too curious about me and my face. But come on, he’s a grown man some things just shouldn’t be talked about so casually, especially when it’s about someone else’s appearance. I mean, you can comment, sure, but at least do it in a way that doesn’t make the other person feel offended or small.

And the funny part? My skin isn’t even that bad anymore. It’s so much better than it used to be. But every time he points something out about it, it just ruins my mood sometimes even my whole day. It’s exhausting when someone keeps reminding you of the one thing you’ve already made peace with.

Why are some people so dumb that they can’t even be nice sometimes? I’m always trying to be kind to them, and they still manage to surprise me.

Labels: rant, skin