Today I got some news from Gladys, and I’ve been thinking about it the whole day. She told me that Azard and Mr. Sameer will probably be the ones sent to Switzerland or Denmark for the Tempus training. And honestly… I didn’t know what to feel at first. My brain kinda froze for a second.

Part of me wasn’t surprised. I mean, I already expected that I might not be the one they’d choose since I’m not an engineer. But when Gladys asked me if Mr. Sameer was an engineer and I said no, I had to laugh like, so why is it such a big deal when it comes to me, right? It made me feel a little weird. I can’t lie, the moment she said it, something inside me sank a bit.

I’m the product specialist for Sarstedt, and sometimes I feel like that should count for something. Even if I’m not an engineer, I still handle the product, the clients, the whole follow-up. So yeah… it felt a bit like a slap in the face that they didn’t even consider me. It’s like being indirectly told that I’m not “worth sending,” you know? That kind of quiet invalidation stings in a way that’s hard to explain.

But then there’s the other side of me  the tired, realistic, older version of myself that was actually relieved. I’m in that phase in life where extra work doesn’t excite me anymore. Sometimes it even irritates me, and I hate that it does, but it’s just where I am right now. So the idea of not having to take on one more training, one more responsibility… honestly that part of me felt okay. Like, “Good. Less stress. Keep my salary, keep my peace.”

Still… I can’t pretend there isn’t a part of me dreaming a little. Because who wouldn’t want to go to Switzerland or Denmark, right? Those are places I don’t think I’d ever get to visit easily on my own. Opportunities like this don’t come often, and a small part of me was hoping maybe this time it would be me. Not even for the training but just the experience, the feeling of going somewhere new, somewhere I never imagined I’d step foot in.

And that’s where the conflict is. I’m okay with not being chosen, but I’m also sad about it in a way I didn’t expect. It’s like feeling two emotions at the same time  calm and disappointed. Mature and insecure. Content but also questioning my worth. I guess that’s normal, right? Or maybe I’m just overthinking again, as usual.

I keep asking myself if feeling invalidated is reasonable or if I’m just being dramatic. But maybe both can be true. Maybe it’s valid to feel this way and still know that life goes on.

So yeah, that’s where my head is at today. A little confused, a little hurt, a little relieved… just a whole mix of emotions. Life is funny like that,